Mogbeth

Mogbeth

by Scott Alexander “After all, all he did was string a lot of old, well-known quotations together” – H.L. Mencken on Shakespeare

The Cast

(in nothing even resembling order of appearance)

These are the talented actors and actresses who have been training for months to bring you the finest in Shakespearean tragedy mixed with native Shirerithian history:
DIRECTOR, creator and producer of the play, played by SCOTT
ISA, the first of three witches, played by MELISSA
ICA, the second of three witches, played by ERICA
JADIE, the third of three witches, played by JESSICA
JENN, the second second of three witches, played by JENN
ARCHETYPE, the second third of three witches, played by X
MOGBETH, the Duke of Kildare and future Kaiser, played by JAMES
HERALD, a medieval version of the BOOMCAST, played by JOSEPH
LADY MOGBETH, the wife of Mogbeth, played by ERIN
QELATHOS, the companion of Mogbeth, played by STEVE
MORS II, the Kaiser of Shireroth, played by ERIK
NICHOLAS, the Anarch of Yardistan, played by NICK AMBASSADOR STEFFKE, a Menelmacari diplomat, played by HARVEY
BRRAPA LU ERARO, the venerable Cedrist prophet, played by ERIK
ROBERT GRESHAM, an evil busybody, played by ROBERT EVIL LINE-STEALING DOLPHIN, an evil line-stealing dolphin, played by ARI
SIR JACKABAR, Letifer’s Captain-In-Arms, played by MIKE
HERALD, a medieval version of the BOOMCAST, played by JOSEPH
LETIFER, the heir to the Kaiserial throne, played by ERIK

Director: Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, and assorted others to the Shirekeep Theater, and to the opening night of the tragedy “Mogbeth”. Before we begin, I’ve got a couple of changes to the playbill and cast list to announce. First, it mentions on the top of your playbill that the actors and actresses “trained for months”. Well, we really intended to, but everyone was busy, and no one could agree on a time, so we kind of didn’t have rehearsals. But everyone told me they’ve memorized their part, so things will certainly turn out all right. And it also calls them “talented”…well…I’m sure they’re talented at something, but that something….er…might not necessarily be acting. The guy who was supposed to do auditions quit on us at the last moment, so we had to choose people kinda blindly. What else…oh…the guy who plays Archetype refuses to tell us his name, so he’s on your cast list as “Mr. X” And although it lists Robert Gresham as playing himself, unfortunately just a few hours after we printed the lists off Mr. Gresham was carried bodily to Hell by a legion of vengeful demons to suffer his well-deserved eternal punishment. A victory for Cosmic Justice, but a major setback for our play – at least, it would have been, had we not managed to fly in Vlad the Impaler all the way from Transylvania at enormous expense. I’m sure you’ll agree he’s every bit as evil as the original. But enough talk. I’m sure you’re anxious to see the tragedy you’ve heard so much about, so, without any further ado, I give you – Mogbeth!

Act One

Scene One

(a swamp, near the convergence of the Elwynn river, near Shirekeep. It is dusk, and the twisted trees make eerie shadows on the murk and the water. An early moon, silhouetted against the reddish sky, makes strange forms through the contours of the branches. All is still. ICA, ISA, and JADIE enter, dressed in pointy hats and black robes. They set up a cauldron on a piece of dry land, and start pouring various powders and liquids into it, murmuring among themselves. ICA starts cackling.)

ISA: When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

JADIE: When the hurly-burly’s done

When the battle’s lost and won…

ICA: (still cackling)

AAAAKAKAAAKAKAKAKAAHAHAAKA

JADIE: When the hurly-burly’s done
When the battle’s lost and won…

ICA: (still cackling)

KAAAKAHACAKAAKKAKAKAAAAA

JADIE: (now pretty much yelling in ICA’s ear)

I SAID ‘when the hurly-burly’s done
When the battle’s lost and won…’

ICA: (still cackling)

CAKAKAKAACHHAAHCAAHAHAAAAA

JADIE: (exasperated)

That was her cue! I remember that was her cue!
What’s wrong with her?

ISA: I think she’s having too much fun cackling.

ICA: (still cackling, now also sort of prancing around)

KAAKACHCAKAKAAKACH

JADIE: I think I’m going to cry…

ISA: We can do the scene without her. Here, I’ll be First and Third Witch, and you can keep being Second Witch

JADIE: I thought I was Third Witch!

ICA: (still cackling)

HAHAHACKCKCKAKAACHCAAKAKCHAHA

ISA: …that shall be ‘ere the set of sun

JADIE: Where to meet?

ISA: Upon the heath

JADIE AND ISA: (at exactly the same time)

There we go to meet Mogbeth!

JADIE: Wait! I thought that was my line! I’m Third Witch, aren’t I?

ISA: No, I thought we agreed you would be Second Witch!

MOGBETH: (entering, with his companion Qelathos)

So foul and fair a day I have not seen
It has to be the California smog
Which, like a fetid blanket of despair
Covereth all the woods and swamps and dells
Making them hazy, giving tints of brown
To trees that once were green and…what the heck?

ISA: Gah! Look! While we’ve been arguing Mogbeth has come out and said his lines! And we didn’t even finish our part?

JADIE: I am SO going to cry!

MOGBETH: But hark! I hear a voice disturbs the calm
And who are these, who through the dusky light
Take on the forms of women? Three I see
But why, from out their number, doth but one
Prance through the marsh, like to a prancing deer
Insanely cackling?

JADIE: Don’t mind her, that’s Ica.

ISA: She sort of has a problem with her head.

(points to head)

MOGBETH: They speak with tongues of humans, but their voice
Betrays a quality from other lands
It calls to mind an ashen sulfurous smell
That grates upon the senses – what is this?
They wear black pointy hats upon their heads
And cloaks as black, and shoes as black as they
And skin as green as of a leprous corpse
Almost like they were…witches!

ISA: Nice one, Einstein

JADIE: The script, Isa, the script!

ISA: That was the script!

JADIE: What an odd script!

MOGBETH: See how they sow dispute among themselves?
How now, you witches, what black purpose calls
You to this secret and unhallowed spot
At such an hour?

JADIE: Let me answer this one! I know this one!

ISA: You go, girl!

ICA: KAAAKAKCKCKAHAAHACKAKAKAACHAHA

JADIE: All hail Mogbeth, Duke of Kildare!

ISA: All hail Mogbeth, Duke of Goldshire!

JADIE: All hail Mogbeth; thou shalt be Kaiser hereafter!

MOGBETH: How strange a greeting do these witches give
O witches, surely knowst thou what thou sayest
Is false – the Duke of Kildare I may be
But Goldshire I am not – and Kaiser? Me?
Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha…*COUGH*! That’s silly
The mighty Mors is Kaiser, and shall be
For many years hereafter. Say, Qelathos
Isn’t that silly?

QELATHOS: Yes, indeed it is.

JADIE: Hail, Qelathos!

ISA: Hail, Qelathos!

ICA: KAKAKAACHCHCAAKAKAHCHAKACHA

JADIE: Lesser than Mogbeth, but greater!

ISA: Not so happy, but much happier!

JADIE: (aside)

Wait, are you sure that’s how it goes? It doesn’t sound right.

ISA: Yeah, kind of self-contradictory.

QELATHOS: That was right. It’s creating a poetic effect through paradox.

(MOGBETH glares at QELATHOS)

JADIE: Thank you, Steve

MOGBETH: Anyway, now that that has been cleared up
I do desire that you explain to me
What did you mean before, when in your greeting
You called me Duke of Goldshire

HERALD: (running in with copy of newspaper)

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!
The Duke of Goldshire was just found dead!
The victim of assassins’ knives, they say
And Kaiser Mors has named to take his place
Mogbeth of Kildare!

MOGBETH: Hey, you guys, that’s me!

ISA: Did I call that one, or what?

MOGBETH: Indeed, the witch has called that one aright
Kildare I was, and Goldshire I am made
Witch? Do you have the gift to see through Time?
Quick! Tell me next week’s winning lott’ry number!
Or, failing that, explain your last remark
You said, after you said I would get Goldshire
That I could hope to Kaiser be, hereafter
Pray tell, what did you mean?

ISA: This was my line, wasn’t it?

JADIE: Yours, all the way.

ISA: GAH! IT’S RIGHT ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE!

JADIE: Dear friends, I am afraid we have to go.
We have been called to a…a witches’ council
At….Hogwarts’! Yeah! At Hogwarts’!

(both witches exit as fast as they can, leaving Mogbeth and Qelathos)

MOGBETH: Such prophecies and madness do inflame
My heart with thoughts of glory; to believe
That I might one day soon the Kaiser be
Exceeds my wildest dreams – and yet they said
“All hail Mogbeth, who shall be Kais’r hereafter”
And proved their words hit truth – my mind grows numb
To dream upon such things – Qelathos, come

QELATHOS: Goldshire you are indeed, and yet, I sensed
Some evil in this doing; their intent
Cannot but be malicious, though their words
Present an outward truth – Mogbeth, beware
Ambition devours those who take no care

(the two depart)

ICA: (still cackling)

KAAAKACLCLAAAKCKAKAKCKAKAKCLA

Scene Two

(a castle in Kildare. Lady Mogbeth’s room, an opulently furnished chamber. The Lady is reading over a letter from her husband)

Lady Mogbeth: (reading letter aloud in exaggerated voice)

“Thus fares it well with me; but one event
Consumes my mind and makes me ill at ease
Last evening, I was ling’ring in the swamp

(there was for this a very normal reason
which I regret I have not space to say)

And came there on a band of witches three
They hailed me as Mogbeth, the Duke of Kildare
And then as Duke of Goldshire, then they said
That I should soon be Kaiser; well I knew
And heeded even then, the words you told
About not trusting speeches from strange women
Who dwell in swamps – yet, marvelous to tell
There then came from afar a speedy herald

(what he was doing in the swamp beats me)

Who told me, that at Kaiser Mors’ decree
I was made Duke of Goldshire; can it be
That crown and scepter too are fated me?”

(Lady Mogbeth puts down the letter)

A chilling and an eldritch tale, but one
That I am pleased to hear; if he is Kaiser
It follows rather logically that I
Would then be Kais’ress, ruler of the land
And yet, my wretched husband is too weak
Too brimming with the milk of moogle kindness
To seize the crown, and take his given due
Unless…unless I give a little push
Compensate for the weakness of his nature
By evil so beyond the name of evil
That he becomes corrupt: POWERS OF DARKNESS
LEND ME YOUR STRENGTH!!!!

(ROBERT GRESHAM comes in, holding an expensive looking little box. He hands it to LADY MOGBETH, who signs for delivery, opens it, takes out a small pill, pops it in her mouth, and hands it back to GRESHAM, who leaves)

Lady Mogbeth: Now deepest darkness fills my heart and soul
And I am filled to brim with evil power
With which to tempt my lord

Mogbeth: (entering the chamber)

Honey, I’m home! I brought you flowers!
See, aren’t they nice?
And how are you today?

Lady Mogbeth: Flowers indeed!
You think to buy my feelings back with flowers
When by your own admission, all last night
You spent cavorting ‘round with three strange women
In moonlit swamps?

Mogbeth: It wasn’t what you think!
I swear that all they did was tell my future
It was a normal, innocent occult rite
Like happens all the time in moonlit marshes!
I never touched them! Really! Never touched them!

(LADY MOGBETH looks doubtful and angry)

Mogbeth: O, most beloved flower of my heart?
How can I prove I love you?

Lady Mogbeth: There’s a way.
But no; why did I say that? You’re too weak
Too cowardly, too pusillanimous
For me to ask for such a manly deed

Mogbeth: No! I can do it! Sooth! I swear I can!
What would you have me do?

Lady Mogbeth: Kill Kaiser Mors!

Mogbeth: No, really, love, what would you have me do?

Lady Mogbeth: In sooth, I’d have you kill the noble Kaiser

Mogbeth: But I can’t kill the Kaiser! I’m a Duke!
His vassal – sworn to guard him to the end!
In battle, or in peace, or in the midst
Of all the fish of murky Balgurd! Zounds!
You do not know the weight of what you say!
I swore to him an oath of feudal loyalty
Which clearly said I can’t go killing royalty.

Lady Mogbeth: All right, so you don’t love me after all
A pity that we’ve wasted all these years
Together – I’ll go find some other man
Who’s got a backbone

Mogbeth: Wait! My love, don’t go!
If I, to prove my love to you must slay
My noble Kaiser, he’s as good as dead
To prove my love to thee, I fain would climb
Unto the ends of Micras, and would fight
Great Gahg himself, and seek, through many years,
The treasure of…

Lady Mogbeth: No need to wax poetic.
And fear ye not, my love – the witches said
That you should soon be Kaiser – this must be
Lest prophecy be prov’d a liar, and so
‘Tis preordained the act should be successful
And thou remain uncaught – O, brave Mogbeth

(she kisses him passionately. Mogbeth kisses her back even more passionately. The embrace drags on)

Lady Mogbeth: (in a whisper)

Okay, James, not so long, the audience is beginning to wonder about us.

(they break the embrace, and the HERALD enters)

Herald: EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
The Kaiser comes to Kildare Keep anon!
To survey his dominions and to dine
And gain sweet slumber safe within its walls
He comes tonight

Lady Mogbeth: My husband, here’s our chance!
Tonight, while he is sound and fast asleep,
We stab the Kaiser!

(the HERALD gapes at her, wide-eyed)

Mogbeth: …roll…the Kaiser roll
So that, upon his waking in the morning
He can be furnished with a tasty breakfast

Lady Mogbeth: Forsooth, that’s what I meant!

(the HERALD leaves)

Lady Mogbeth: Gahg has delivered him into our hands
Tonight, we strike – tomorrow to be royals
Get ye a Boomist Assault Grenade all ready
And I shall fix the feast; O, Mors, dine well
Tomorrow ye shall dine in Heav’n – or Hell

Scene Three

(A dining hall. MOGBETH and LADY MOGBETH sit next to one another, and at the head of the table sits KAISER MORS II. Various other well-dressed people and servants fill the rest of the table, and the top is covered with plates steaming with all sorts of delicacies. MORS II is laughing and apparently a bit drunk, while LADY MOGBETH is looking at him and fingering the knives. MOGBETH looks kind of worried and keeps shifting his eyes)

Mors II: (drunkenly, illustrating his story with hand motions)

The Menelmacari rushed me from my flank
But raising high my meteor-crafted sword
I swung it round, and struck him in the chest
Piercing his heart, and yelling all the while
“Elf-snuggle that, ye diseased bovine’s son”

(everyone laughs politely and pretends to be interested)

Mors II: That’s it. I’m stuffed. I fear I couldn’t eat
Another bite and still depart my chair
Sluggish and weak I feel, so that I surely
Could ne’er escape the foul assassin’s knife
Well, now I’m off to bed – you know, I sleep
Sound as a rock – I surely couldn’t hear
If one of you at midnight were to come
With foul intent into my room at night
Ha ha! Well, Somnis keep!

(the other guests gradually depart and go off to bed, so that MOGBETH and LADY MOGBETH are in the room alone)

Lady Mogbeth: Now is the time, my love, that you must strike!
Seize destiny by the wrist, and drag her onwards
And other similar metaphors – ‘tis time!

Mogbeth: Perhaps a little longer to consider
Killing your boss is quite a major step
In one’s career – not something to be taken
So lightly on a whim

Lady Mogbeth: Fool! Coward! Go!

Mogbeth: O, coward conscience, how doth thou afflict me!

Robert Gresham: (rising up from the audience)

You idiot! Zhat’s not a quote vrom Macbeth! Zhat’s vrom King Richard III! Don’t you even know your own play you’re trying to parody? Vhat idiots you all are! Vhy, I remember the day vhen only mature, intelligent people vould write plays or try to parody Shakesp…(Gresham is dragged out of the audience by uniformed guards. Throughout his speech, Mogbeth is shaking, looking back, and generally seeming nervous)

Mogbeth: (in soliloquy)

Is this a BO0O/\/\ist Assault Grenade I see before me?
The pin turned to my hand? Come, let me clutch thee
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not fatal vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? or art thou
but a BO0O/\/\ist Assault Grenade of the mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the orange-beer-oppressed brain?

I see thee yet, in form as palpable

As this which now I draw. Thou marshall’st me the way that I was going;
And such an instrument I was to use.
Mine eyes are made the fool o’ the other senses
Or else worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy detonator gouts of blood,
Which was not so before. There's no such thing
It is the bloody business which informs
Thus to my eyes…

Lady Mogbeth: (in soliloquy)

Gah, my crazy husband
What is he doing now – dreaming up weapons?
I see that if I want the job done right
I must proceed myself – well, very well
Leave him here prating on hallucinations
Now, where’d I put my icepick…right, the shed

Mogbeth: (still muttering to self)

Hear it not, Mors, for ‘tis a knell
That summons thee to Heaven or to the PRH.

(LADY MOGBETH goes off stage for a few seconds while MOGBETH is still soliloquizing. She returns with an icepick and proceeds to the other side of the stage, leaving view. A cry is heard in the voice of KAISER MORS II, and then a smashing noise. LADY MOGBETH crosses the stage again, with a smug look on her face, and drags MOGBETH behind her. The curtain closes.)

Act Two

Scene One

(the next morning. The dining hall of Kildare Keep. MOGBETH and LADY MOGBETH are both there, eating cereal, which is revealed to be “Breakfast Squids” from “Invader Zim”. MOGBETH has a nervous twitch, and every time he twitches, LADY MOGBETH pokes him under the table. Slowly some of the other guests enter the hall, including LETIFER, a distant relative of the Kaiser, QELATHOS, the Baron of Kitanus Fields and MOGBETH’s friend and companion, and SIR JACKABAR, LETIFER’s captain-at-arms.)

Qelathos: Our noble Kaiser sleepeth late this morning

Lady Mogbeth: I’m certain it was all the orange beer
He drank last night – a horse could not have stood it

Qelathos: ‘Tis truth, my lady, but I do remember
The Kaiser never missed food in the past

Letifer: I never saw the meal nor saw the table
Where Mors was not the first one to arrive
And last to leave

Mogbeth: I’m…urp…sure he’s merely tired

Sir Jackabar: You seem unwell, my lord

Mogbeth: (breaking out of pentameter)

Nope. Never been better. Happy Mog, yup, I’m feeling just great.

(whistles nervously to self)

Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I’ve got a beautiful feeling, no one’s going to find out I killed the K…er….kupo!

Herald: (running in)

Alas! Alack! Ah, rue the day! Oh, shucks!
Our fearless Kaiser, mighty Mors, is dead!
They found him with a bloody icepick in him
Wedged deep into his heart! Oh, bloody hell!
Oh woe, oh blast, oh perkele, oh bah!
His sword shall never slay another foe His…

Letifer: (turning white)

You say the Kaiser’s dead?

Qelathos: This cannot be!

Lady Mogbeth: Oh Mors, thou light to all the Shirerithians!
Who could regret your death more than do I?
I loved my Kaiser as myself *disclaimer*
Oh, this is terrible, blah blah blah blah
Since I’m so sad, I surely didn’t do it

Mogbeth: Right, me neither

Letifer: We must launch an inquiry right away!

Mogbeth: Right! An inquiry! I’ll do everything I can to hunt down the REAL killer, Judge Ito…er…Letifer.

Qelathos: Good Letifer, I fear you are in danger
Being the rightful heir, the frightful fiend
Who killed your distant cousin may intend
That you be next

Letifer: What? Would you have me flee?

Mogbeth: (composing himself)

It would be for the best, my dear companion.
Why don’t you go to Yardistan to stay
With Anarch Nick; there, surely, you are safe
For none will enter that strange Duchy lest
They be annexed

Qelathos: The Duke speaks wisely here
We’ll call you back to come to Shirekeep when
Your cousin has been mourned his proper span
To have your coronation

Letifer: But wouldn’t that provide a perfect window
For someone to usurp the throne himself?

Mogbeth: Maybe…

Lady Mogbeth: Maybe, and be careful with those gender-specific pronouns

Mogbeth and Lady Mogbeth: (in unison)

But who would do a nasty thing like that?

Letifer: Then ‘tis decided; to the Isle I go

Sir Jackabar: My master, I shall follow and protect
Your ride from harm, your person from assault

Letifer: So let it be
Last night’s events, if nothing else, must prove
That there are those who hold the Kaiser’s crown
In precious little honor – hey, Mogbeth
Could you watch o’er the throne, and keep it safe?
Make sure that no pretender steals my crown
While I’m away?

Lady Mogbeth: (smiling)

I think that he could do that.

Mogbeth: Yeeeeesss….yes I coulllddd….

Letifer: I am in your debt

(stands and addresses those present)

Friends, Shirerithians, countrymen, lend me your…

(ROBERT GRESHAM walks back in, slamming the theater doors behind him)

Gresham: And zhat line’s vrom Julius Caesar, or I’m Peter Hickey. Vhy don’t you immature idiots get a life and stop getting your plays mixed up and try for vonce in your hopevully short lives to…

(once again, Gresham is dragged away)

Letifer: …ears
An awful tragedy has run its course
My noble cousin Kaiser Mors is dead
And part of Shireroth has also died
But I maintain that, staying firm and strong
The Empire shall rise up, and, in its wrath
Shall punish those who struck it – thou, Mogbeth
Thou most humane and honorable moogle
Keep for me this in trust while I am gone

(Letifer hands Mogbeth the crown)

And hold for me the empire – that is all
And thou, my nobles, Barons, Dukes, and friends
Pay heed to him, like his word was my own
And now, we ride – Jackabar, to your horse!
We must be off ‘ere day has run its course!

Scene Two

(Castle Ni!, the capital of Yardistan. Four to six weeks later. ANARCH NICHOLAS is sitting in his audience hall, chatting with LETIFER. SIR JACKABAR is polishing a sword on a chair nearby)

Letifer: My Anarch, let my voice the praises sing
Of this your balmy and pleasurable isle
Four to six weeks have passed, and every day
I marvel at the fruits, the towns, the men
The women; but each day, my worry grows
Why does no page from Shirekeep appear
To call me to my kingdom; surely now
The culprits have been caught, the realm is safe
What ruse or purpose doth delay Mogbeth?

Nicholas: Perhaps some spate of trouble took his mind
Off his inquiry, noble lord – but hark!
A herald comes, in liveries of Shirekeep!

Herald: EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
Wicked Mogbeth has seized himself the throne!
Declared himself the Kaiser, grabbed the crown
And exil’d Letifer; o, rue the day!
The Dukes have not the backbone to protest
And all of Shireroth is in his hands
Save Yardistan alone

Nicholas: Grim tidings indeed

(dismisses HERALD)

Fond Letifer, my Duchy and my men
Are at your service; yea – the false Mogbeth
Must gain his just dessert for his rank deeds

Jackabar: Yea, Letifer, I too take up your flag
And vow to lead your regiment of men
‘gainst the usurper

Letifer: Friends, tonight we march
I thank you for your friendship and support
The black pretender shall not last the month!
To Shirekeep!

All: To Shirekeep!

(everyone gets their weaponry ready and starts getting into armor and marching off the stage. Finally, only LETIFER remains)

Letifer: (in soliloquy)

My crown, my throne, my very kingdom rent
Out of my hands; who does he think he is?
Sirithil or someone? Mighty Gahg in heav’n
Give me the strength to rectify this wrong
To slay the traitor who was once my friend
So his repression, and this play, can end

(he departs)

Scene Three

(Castle Shirekeep. MOGBETH sits on the throne, with LADY MOGBETH beside him. The heavy wooden door opens, and QELATHOS enters)

Qelathos: How now, Mogbeth, Lady Mogbeth?

Mogbeth: If it is not our most dear friend Qelathos
Come from Kitanus Fields; good sir, sit down
Servant, pull up a chair, and let us hear
What purpose calls our friend so far from home

Qelathos: Dispensing with all tact, I shall be blunt
Why sitteth thou upon that noble seat
In place of Letifer?

Lady Mogbeth: Why, my good man!
Hadn’t you heard that Letifer was the culprit?

Qelathos: The culprit?

Mogbeth: The culprit?

(LADY MOGBETH pokes him)

Mogbeth: Oh! Right! The CULPRIT! Silly me, I thought you said carpet!

Lady Mogbeth: Indeed, my dear Qelathos, it is true.
I too could not believe it, ‘till I saw
With mine own eyes his dagger, with his seal
Stuck in the breast of Mors

Qelathos: But that can’t be!
Distinctly I remember that I heard
The good Sir Jackabar inform us all
That Mors, the lord of Shireroth was killed
By a most wicked icepick

Lady Mogbeth: There was a second stabber!

Mogbeth: Yes! From the grassy knoll!

Qelathos: What the PRH are you two talking about?

Mogbeth: Oh, don’t mind us
Suffice it to remember that our friend
Our once friend, Letifer, stands clearly guilty
Of a most awful crime, of course you see
He can’t be Kaiser, so the Kaiser’s me

Qelathos: Thank you for such an update – I depart
With fewer troubles, and a lighter heart

(Qelathos leaves)

Mogbeth: Nice chap, isn’t he?

Lady Mogbeth: He must die.

Mogbeth: What?!?!?!?!!?!?!

Lady Mogbeth: My lord, he hath betrayed he hath suspicion
Of us, and our ambitions; he doth doubt
The truth of our account, and in his mind
Debates the issue; though relieved for now
Soon he may question matters once again
Or voice his cautions; such accounts, in telling
Can start the peasants or the lords rebelling

Mogbeth:He was a friend, faithful and just to me
But my wife says Qelathos has suspicion
And sure, she is an honorable…

(ROBERT GRESHAM runs in, shouting incoherently, but is restrained by ushers and escorted out of the theater once again)

Mogbeth: Gah. If I do this, will you kiss me again?

(LADY MOGBETH checks the script)

Lady Mogbeth: Apparently yes.

Mogbeth: Okay, okay, I’ll hire some assassins tomorrow.

Lady Mogbeth: Tonight

Mogbeth: Fine, tonight.

(they embrace)

Lady Mogbeth: (after a minute or so, in a whisper)

James, the audience is getting disturbed again

(the two depart)

Act Three

Scene One

(Castle Shirekeep, in the reception room. One to three weeks later. MOGBETH and LADY MOGBETH sit on their thrones. A number of guards, servants, and others are all around them, listening intently for orders. MOGBETH is soliloquizing to himself)

Mogbeth: This is the autumn of our mild irritation And fears and problems fall from Heav’n like leaves
All my ambitions have turned out aright
My goals achievements – I am got the throne!
Yet dread buzzes around me like a gnat
I cannot slap away – O, wretched friend
O poor Qelathos! Your death haunts me yet!
Death at the hands of hired thugs, who I
I, who fought with you in so many battles
Hired and paid – and now, I fear that still
Stern Gahg shall throw on me another ill

Herald: EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
Queen Sirithil of Menelmacar hath sent
To Shirekeep a worthy personage
To talk to Mog the Kaiser, and discuss
Varied arrangements touching land and aid

Mogbeth: At last – the man I sent for has arrived
If all goes well, Menelmacar can send
Men to my aid, lest Letifer, the heir
Try to dethrone me – their support would bring
Such power, that ev’n Nick must call me king

Herald: Your highness, presenting the Prefect of State for the Eternal Imperium of Menelmacar, His Excellency Jason Steffke

Ambassador: Harvey. Harvey Steffke.

Herald: The script distinctly says Jason

Ambassador: It’s Harvey. Trust me on this one.

Mogbeth: Welcome, good sir, to Shireroth
I trust your journey went with you aright?
Here, have some orange beer, and let us talk
Of military aid

Ambassador: It can’t be done.

Mogbeth: What?

Ambassador: Menelmacar’s, at present, a bit stretched
What with the threat of terrorist attacks
And fearsome Baracao, which still looms
Like to a scorpion, threatening to strike
At any moment – no, it can’t be done
We lack a single company to send
To Shireroth’s defense

Mogbeth: But sir, you must!
Word comes from Yardistan that ten thousand men
Or more, approach my castle! Day by day
They closer come, and though my faithful guards
Are valiant, they are few, and cannot hold
The keep forever; anything you ask
That Shireroth has to offer, can be yours
If you but aide us

Ambassador: A well-phrased request.
The Baracaoan presence grows near Tapfer
While we lack bases there to hold them off
Shireroth there holds Mirioth and Amity
That is our price

Mogbeth: Well, take your price and shove it!
Those islands have been holy to the gods
Of Shireroth for…for a whole darned lot of years
Should we give up their temples, then the powers
Divine would turn against us, and our land
Crumble to ruin! We have not an agreement.

Ambassador: Suit yourself (turns to leave)

Lady Mogbeth: (to the AMBASSADOR)

Wait a second, would you? (to MOGBETH)

Dear husband, worry not of silly tales
Of wrath divine, written on musty scrolls
Surely the gods support you; had they not
You shouldn’t have been Kaiser, and the witches
Gave you Fate’s blessing; thus, dismiss your fears
Menelmacari men-at-arms can help
To fend off Yardistan, and keep us safe
While fables about gods and ancient curses
Are nothing more than dead and empty verses

Mogbeth: Very well, Mr. Steffke

Ambassador: Harvey!

Mogbeth: But…but…I used your last name!

Ambassador: Sorry, I guess I’m getting oversensitive

Mogbeth: You shall have Mirioth as you requested
And Amity beside, if you send aid
Ten companies of worthy, hardened soldiers
To fend off Letifer, and keep my throne
Is it a deal?

Ambassador: It is.

(the two shake hands. AMBASSADOR STEFFKE presents him with a treaty, which MOGBETH signs. The AMBASSADOR then departs)

Mogbeth: My nervousness is out of all control
I felt as if I signed away my soul!

Scene Two

(A beach in Brookshire. A fleet of ships is anchored in a natural harbor. On the beach, drinking wine and playing cards, are ANARCH NICHOLAS and LETIFER. In the background, soldiers and retainers can be seen setting up camp)

Nicholas: Dry land! The two most perfect, pleasing words
In all the English phrases I have heard
Or, in the Yardistani dialect,
“y drjye lindhe”, which also sounds quite cool
After a week of travel on the seas
From Castle Ni! our band of men have reached
The shores of Brookshire, poised for the attack
On Shirekeep, and evil Kaiser Mog
And, unafraid of dangers we may meet
I’m just glad to have earth beneath my feet

Letifer: Well said, my noble Anarch. To dry land!

(they toast dry land, and SIR JACKABAR enters)

Letifer: What news, Sir Jackabar, bear’st ye of the war?

Jackabar: Most bad, my liege.
Mogbeth has somehow gotten to his side
Ten companies of Menelmacari men
That swell his ranks to twice the size of ours
And make a daunting enemy indeed

Nicholas: Menelmacar?
Who should have thought the elves would lend them aid?
Embroiled as they are with Baracao
I wonder what the traitor gave for that?

Jackabar: Wonder no more, milord
The rumor that my spies have snatched at goes
That Kaiser Mog has won his elvish friends
By ceding Amity

Letifer: It cannot be!

Not even Mog the traitor is so base!

Jackabar: And yet, I fear it is.
Amity he gave, and Mirioth too.

Nicholas: This doth present a dire case indeed
And spurs me on to fight him double-hard
Sir Stone, what of our armies?

Jackabar: Gahg willing, while proceeding to the Keep
The peasants to our standard shall arrive
To fight the tyrant, swelling up our ranks

Letifer: Yes, keep me updated on that.

Jackabar: Will do, my liege.

(Jackabar departs, and the other two resume their card-playing)

Scene Three

(The reception hall in Castle Shirekeep. MOGBETH and LADY MOGBETH are still on their respective thrones. Retainers and guards still fill the remainder of the room. If anything has changed since Scene One, it is in the wrinkles of worry on MOGBETH’s face)

Mogbeth: (to his queen)

This morning, when I went to break the fast
I thought I saw the face of good Qelathos
Appearing in the jam – and then at dinner
I took a succulent cucumber to sup
And then shrunk back in horror, for to me
It seemed the perfect likeness of Qelathos
I swear, my love, his ghost is stalking me!

Lady Mogbeth: Thinkest thee thou hast issues? I’ve got issues.
This morning, when I went to wash my hands
I saw a spot of blood upon my palm
I washed and washed, yet, to my sight it seemed
The bloodstain only grew

Mogbeth: Are you sure you weren’t just washing your hands so hard they started to bleed?

Lady Mogbeth: Shut up.

Herald: EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
Brrapa Lu Eraro, the famous prophet
Who hears the voice of Gahg with hallowed ears
Who roams the land, preaching his path to men
Who heals the sick, and drives the healthy mad
Four hundred eighty two in mortal years
Whom none may spurn and live, he now arrives!
E’en now he enters Shirekeep!

(MOGBETH is showing several signs of a nervous breakdown)

Lady Mogbeth: Mog, stay calm.
This ancient senile man could never harm us
He is a bother, to be heard politely
And then be shown the door; this talk of prophets
Madmen, and gods, does no one any harm
The man’s so old that he’s become demented
Ignore the fool, and then he’ll go aw…

(BRRAPA LU ERARO bursts unannounced into the reception room. He has an absurdly long beard that reaches all the way to the floor, and is carrying a staff with a dragon’s head in one hand and a sword in the other. He wears long red and orange robes that reach to the floor, and is munching on a mango)

Brrapa Lu Eraro: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!!!!!!!

Mogbeth: Welcome to Shirekeep, O noble prophet
Well know I of your repute in these parts
And closeness to the gods. I do invite
Thee to be…

Brrapa: (singing in an Argentine accent)

RRRRRRROOOOXXXXXAAAAANNNNEEEE!!!!!

Mogbeth: (growing exasperated)

Speak, ye old man, and tell us of your woes
Or else begone, ‘ere I add to them!

Brrapa: Woes? You want woes? Woah, this is a big reception room! Woah, that’s one expensive crown you’re wearing. Woah, that’s one good-looking queen yo…

Mogbeth: I don’t have time for games!

Brrapa: You don’t have time for games? No time for games?
Then, my dear man, you don’t have time for life!
And ought to do yourself a fav’r and die.

Mogbeth: I can’t get a straight sentence out of this man!

Brrapa: From me? Straight sentence? Sir, I am a prophet!
You doth insult my noblest of professions?!

Mogbeth: Prophet is a profession?

Brrapa: Or a prophession. Spelling! Take your choice.
Were I to profit from my job as prophet
Then prophecy would be profession, but
Seeing as I am a non-profit prophet
I must profess to have no such profession
Save in professing what the gods prophess
For profit of mankind. Do you kapish?

Mogbeth: Your words do go in circles round my head

Brrapa: ‘Tis an improvement

Mogbeth: An improvement?

Brrapa: Myself, I always thought you were a blockhead.
So circles are a definite improvement

Mogbeth: That is your godly wisdom? Jokes and insults?

Brrapa: That is my human wisdom, which I reckon
You’d recognize, if you had something like it
Regarding godly matters though, I fear
I have not yet begun

Mogbeth: Well, get thee to it!

Brrapa: I forgot.

Mogbeth: You forgot your prophecy?

Brrapa: I dare say I had so much fun with words
It right escaped my head
Ah well, ‘twas nice to speak to you, Mogbeth
Hail and farewell!

(he walks out of the chamber. Right on the threshold of the door, he hits his head gives a grunt of satisfaction. Then he wheels around to stand before MOGBETH and LADY MOGBETH again, and begins to speak, in a low, serious voice)

Brrapa: Hear now the voice of Gahg, the king of men
Of angels, demons, spirits, and of gods
And sloths, and fruit bats, and all sorts of birds,
And garden pests and household pets and squids
Cetaceans, mollusks, arthropods, and krill
Bacteria, prions, and et cetera!
“Why giveth thou fair Mirioth away?
I liked that place a lot! Here in the world
It was a prime location – not too hot
But not too cold, and none of that awful humidity stuff you get further south
But now, it lies within the greedy hands
Of the Soloralists. I WANT IT BACK!
And being King of Gods and Men and all
I plan to call on you an awful vengeance
Fear me, Mogbeth! Fear me, almighty Gahg!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH!”

(Brrapa bows and walks calmly out of the room)

Mogbeth: Alas! Now Gahg Himself seeketh revenge
And news from the Brookshirerithian coast
Rumors that Nick has landed with his men
And I must go to meet them. Wretched me!

Lady Mogbeth: Fear not, fond husband; thou shalt still prevail
Visit again those witches, who before
Gave such wise council; they shall comfort thee
And tell thee what to do; show thee thy path
And piercing through the distance of the years
Remove thy worries, and allay thy fears

Mogbeth: Wise words, wife, yea, as always; I depart
To learn my future, and to soothe my heart

(Mogbeth leaves)

Act Four

Scene One

(The swamp. In the center of the clearing are JADIE, ICA, and ISA. They are dancing around a massive black cauldron. Next to them on the ground is a sports bag reading ACME SPELL COMPONENTS – YOUR SOURCE FOR ALL REPTILIAN BODY PARTS. They each hold a magic wand with an inverted pentacle on it)

Isa: Thrice the brinded cat hath mewed!

Jadie: Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.

Ica: KACHAAKLELCAKACLECKAACLEKACALE

Isa: (to JADIE)

I thought you were going to make her see reason while everyone else was doing Acts Two and Three!

Jadie: I tried! I tried! Watch! (to ICA)

Erica! Snap out of it! Now!

Ica: KAHACCALELAHCAALELKCAHACAALKELE

Isa: Oh, that is it! I am SICK of her ruining our part all the time!

(fingering magic wand) Do these things work?

(waves wand at ICA)

Ica: KAAACHAAHAAKAKAALACHAKC….urp!

(ICA disappears in a puff of pink smoke. The entire cast suddenly assembles on the stage and starts singing)

All: Ding dong, the witch is dead!
Which old witch?
The crazy witch!
Ding dong, the crazy witch is dead!
She’s gone where the goblins go
Below, below, below
Hi-ho, let’s open up and sing!

(Everyone slowly files off the stage except ROBERT GRESHAM, who addresses the two remaining WITCHES and the audience)

Gresham: First it vas Richard III. Then it vas two…count zem….two references vrom Julius Caesar. Now it’s the bloody Vizard of bloody Oz! Vhat’s next, Romeo and Juliet?

Jadie: (running wildly about the stage)

O Harvey, Harvey, wherefore art thou, Harvey?

Gresham: (disgusted)

Oh, I give up.

(departs)

(ISA looks around, and realizes that, JADIE having run off through a stage door, she is now alone.)

Isa: Jadie? Ica? HELLO? I can’t do this scene by myself! I really can’t!

(ISA’s eyes fall on her magic wand)

Ahaa!

(she waves the wand in the air. There is a puff of pink smoke, and JENN materializes.)

Jenn: Well, this was unexpected…where am I? Oooh! Witchcraft! What are we doing?

Isa: (pulling out script and glancing at it)

We’re summoning the Devil.

Jenn: (horrified)

But witches don’t summon the devil! That’s just a popular prejudice! They really continue ancient traditions and get in touch with Nature!

Isa: Sorry, Jenn, but it’s in the script.

Jenn: Oh, fine. If you really must know, I’ve kinda always wanted to summon the devil. Just don’t tell any of the other Wiccans in my coven or I’d be in massive trouble. Which reminds me…coven…we still need a third person.

Isa: No problem. (ISA waves her wand again. There is another cloud of pink smoke, and ARCHETYPE materializes.)

Isa: Archetype? But you’re not even female!

(ARCHETYPE uses biokinesis to turn ISA into a toad.)

Isa: Ribbit. Ribbit. RIBBIT?!?!?!?!?!

Jenn: Fine! You can be a witch too! Change her back!

(ARCHETYPE changes ISA back into a human)

Isa: That was unpleasant. Fine, you can stay here, as long as you pretend to be a woman.

Archetype: Sorry, but you’ve got someone from the wrong Menelmacar for that.

Isa: Fine, fine, just as long as you do your part for the spell.

Archetype: What are we doing?

Isa: We’re summoning the Devil.

Archetype: The Devil? That’s SO passé. Summon Yog-Sothoth!

Isa: (hands script to ARCHETYPE)

We’ll summon who they’re paying us to summon, okay.

Archetype: Very well.

(The three link arms and start dancing around the cauldron.)

Isa: (chanting)

Three weird sisters, hand in hand

Archetype: A-HEM!

Isa: (chanting)

Two weird sisters, and one weird brother, hand in hand

Archetype: A-HEM!

Isa: (chanting)

Two weird sisters, and one REALLY weird brother, hand in hand

Archetype: (smiling smugly)

Posters of the sea and land

Isa: Thrice to mine…

Jenn: And thrice to thine

Archetype: And thrice again To make up twenty-three

Jenn and Isa: (in unison)

NINE!

Archetype: Nine. Right, that’s what I said.

(the three continue dancing and chanting)

Isa: (reaching into the Acme Spell Components bag, placing each component into the cauldron as she names it)

Camel fur, from Babkha brought
MagiGARP, at midnight caught
Newt’s eye, tongue of talking dog
Demon’s blood, accursed by Gahg
Blue moose antler, kiwi feather
In the cauldron boil together!

All: Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble

Jenn: Bundes stag and zlatni rat
Whisker from half-elf-half-cat,
Micron hair and dragon scale
Monkey wing and wombat tail
Wool of sheep and dolphin fin
Banana peel and mango skin
To the cauldron get thee in!

All: Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble

Archetype: Cool the stuff with squid-wrung ink
Now the charm is done, I think

(The three look into the cauldron. An evil-looking, greasy black smoke is emanating from it. All raise their wands.)

Isa: (swinging wand) Abracadabra! Hocus-pocus! Presto-chango!

Jenn: (swinging wand)

Arirahikkala! Tatuahponnen! Paavolipponen!

Archetype: (swinging wand)

Skidoo! Ewigeblumenkraft! FNORD!!!!!!!!

(there is a clap of thunder, a flash of lightning, and a puff of fetid green smoke. ROBERT GRESHAM appears)

Gresham: You call THAT a devil-summoning? That was the most pathetic and unoriginal excuse for an occult ceremony that I have ever seen!

(sarcastically)

Oooh…upside-down pentacles on the wands. THERE’s an innovation. Eye of newt…that’s been used since Cornelius Agrippa. Nice cauldron…pity it’s three centuries out of style. I swear, the only reason I even respond to summonses any more is to laugh at how awful these people who call themselves “witches” these days are.

Archetype: (ears perking up)

By the pickings of my thumbs…
Something wicked this way comes…

Jenn: (to GRESHAM)

Quick, hide behind a tree or something!

(GRESHAM hides behind a tree .MOGBETH enters the scene. He looks weary and worn, yet determined. The THREE WITCHES curtsy to him.)

Mogbeth: How now, you secret black and midnight hags?

Jenn: Hey! Who are you calling a hag?!

Archetype: I’M not even a woman. Shows how much you know.

Mogbeth: My salutation did not mean offense
Indeed, I have arrived to beg a favor
So many months ago, you did perceive
Correctly, I would be Duke of Goldshire
And then the Kaiser – truly do your gifts
In scrying and in all the occult arts
Appear without compare – I beg predictions
My future fate, the outcome of the play
Tell me, I beg!

Isa: Would you hear it from us? Or from our masters?

Mogbeth: Call ‘em. Let me see ‘em.

Jenn: (putting in more spell components)

Toss in salt and Finnish soil!
Let a lizard’s liver boil!
Blood from the Rod of Ming we throw
Into the mix – come high or low
Thyself and office deftly show!

(A clap of thunder. A flash of lightning. A puff of gray smoke that slowly resolves itself into the figure of a man with silly glasses, dressed in drag)

First Apparition: Mogbeth! Mogbeth! Mogbeth!
Hi! I’m Crazy Eddie. I put babies on spikes. Do you want a rack of babies? We’ve got babies on racks. Hmmm, they…taste of chicken!” They do! Babies taste of chicken! Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken! So babies must taste of chicken. And chicken tastes of humans. Good, I’m glad you’re coming with me on that. Yes, so, um, uh, this is all true. And, um, so, Mogbeth, beware Stone Jackabar! That’s it, bye folks, you’ve been a great audience!

(the apparition dissolves)

Mogbeth: For thy good caution, thanks, but one word more!

Jenn: They shall not be commanded
Here’s another, more potent than the first

(A clap of thunder. A flash of lightning. A puff of gray smoke that slowly resolves itself into the figure of a tiny man with green skin wearing a gigantic silly looking helmet, with a robot thinly disguised as a dog at his side)

Second Apparition: Mogbeth! Mogbeth! Mogbeth! Mo…

Mogbeth: Had I pi ears, I’d hear thee!

Second Apparition: I am ZIM!!!!! Be afraid, PUNY EARTHLING!!! But also, BE GLAD!!! For you will never be conquered until Mt. Medivh MOVES TO YARDISTAN!

(the robot/dog shouts “YAY!”, and the apparition dissolves)

Mogbeth: Then live, Sir Stone – what need I fear of thee!
Truly this news is all that I had hoped
Forsooth, it seems this alien hath declared
I am invincible…

(A clap of thunder. A flash of lightning. A puff of gray smoke that slowly resolves itself into the figure of a penguin)

Mogbeth: But what is this that rises from the Earth
With such an awful visage – it doth seem
The image of a penguin, pixellated
And granular, and badly drawn indeed
Speak to me, o apparition!

Third Apparition: MOGBETH!!! MOGBETH!!! MOGBETH!!! IT IS POKEY THE PENGUIN!!! I LIVE WITH MY FRIENDS IN THE ARCTIC CIRCLE!!! I AM HERE TO SAY THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE DEFEATED BY ANY MAN BORN OF WOMAN!!! INDEED!!! LO, I HAVE SPOKEN, AND THUSLY DO I DEPART!!!

(the apparition dissolves)

Mogbeth: By no man born of woman! That precludes
My conquest, by the wretched Yardistanis
O thank you, witches, for your skill and aid
And yet, I feel within my heart of hearts
You yet hold something back

Isa, Jenn, and Archetype: (in unison)

Seek to know no more!

Mogbeth: Deny me this
And may an eternal curse fall ‘pon your heads!

Isa: Show!

Jenn: Show!

Archetype: Show!!!

Isa, Jenn, and Archetype: (in unison)

Show his eyes and grieve his heart!
Come like shadows, so depart!

(they wave their magic wands. A clap of thunder. A flash of lightning. A puff of gray smoke that slowly resolves itself into a gray, shrouded figure. It seems to be a man, but where his feet should be, the body dwindles off into a wisp, and it has a wretched appearance beyond that of any man living – its clothes are tattered and torn, and its arms and face are covered with scars. Although hooded, it is recognizable)

Mogbeth: Q….Q….Qelathos! No!

Qelathos: (slowly, wailingly, the way ghosts always talk in this sort of situation)

Moggggbeeettthhhhh……

Mogbeth: I’m sorry! It was my wife! She made me do it! I am not a murderer! You were my friend! I loved you! (disclaimer)

Qelathos: Moggggbeeettthhhhh…… Moggggbeeettthhhhh……

Mogbeth: (panicked) No! Don’t come any closer! Stay away! Stay away!

(frantically swats the image of the ghost, but his blows pass right through it)

Qelathos: Moggggbeeettthhhhh…… Mogbeth

(tries to run, but finds he is frozen in place with fear.)

Qelathos: (coming so close to Mogbeth he is nearly touching him) Moggggbeeettthhhhh……SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF PEOPLE!!!!

Mogbeth: NOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(there is a clap of thunder, a flash of lightning, and a puff of deep purple smoke. When it fades, QELATHOS, the WITCHES, the cauldron, and the spell bag have mysteriously disappeared. MOGBETH is still wailing piteously, clawing his skull as if infested by mind worms or something. Finally, he is able to speak)

Mogbeth: Where are they? Gone?
Let this pernicious hour
Stand accursed in the calendar!

(hanging his head in horror, he departs. When he is gone, GRESHAM comes from behind his tree, bearing a little notepad and a pen.)

Gresham: Let’s see. I’d give zhe acting zero out of a hundred, zhe writing…oh…say…maybe zero out of a hundred, zhe jokes, zero out of a hundred, give or take a point or two, and I think zhe scenery and technical vork definitely deserves at least a zero out of one hundred. Overall rating for zhat scene…zero out of one hundred.

(he, too, departs)

Scene Two

(The base of Mt. Medivh. ANARCH NICHOLAS and LETIFER are sitting atop one of the foothills, watching a battle take shape beneath them. SIR JACKABAR arrives near them, panting with exertion)

Nicholas: Stone! How goes the battle?

Jackabar: Not well, m’lord.
Our forces are outnumbered two to one
The elven regiments, when they arrived
Did flank our column; some could not retreat
And now are dead, or prisoners of war
I fear, m’lord, the worst is yet to come.

Herald: Sir Jackabar, have you yet heard the news?
Another army from the Keep arrives
To join with our attackers!

Jackabar: Yay! We’re doomed!

Nicholas: Perhaps the time for “them” is near at hand.

Letifer: You can’t mean…

Nicholas: But I do.

Letifer: The Scheheradze Convention and the laws Of warfare all the world around forbid it You can’t be serious

Nicholas: (smiling)

But, m’lord, I am. Sir Jackabar, prepare for me the Corps

Jackabar: (saluting)

Aye aye, sir!

Nicholas: The Yardistani Annexation Corps
The army that has made our Duchy’s name
Ruthless berserkers, madmen, mad with wrath
And skilled beyond all skill with sword and shield
Now enters battle. Good luck to ‘ya, Stone
And Gahg have mercy, because we sure won’t

(SIR JACKABAR returns, followed by three men in suits. One of them bears a sheet of little stickers. Another bears a briefcase and some legal forms. The third bears a little device with a flashing red light known only as “Mr. Thingy”.)

Nicholas: Stone! You and your men distract the Menelmacari and Mog’s army! YAC! Follow me!

Jackabar: Aye aye, sir!

(to his regiment)

TAKE UP YOUR SPORKS, MEN, AND FOLLOW ME TO BATTLE!!!!!

(they yell their battle cries)

Nicholas: Onward, Annexation Corps! We’ve got what it takes to take what they’ve got!

(the Annexation Corps joins the battle)

Letifer: No more Mr. Nice Kaiser….

Scene Three

(Castle Shirekeep reception room. MOGBETH still sits on his throne, although he looks like he is feeling absolutely awful and ought to be in bed or something. LADY MOGBETH’s throne is conspicuously empty, and there are fewer soldiers and retainers lurking around)

Mogbeth: Alas! My lovely wife has fallen ill.
And I, myself, grown ill with grief for her
And grief about my empire – all around
Land falls into decay, and serfs rebel
And yet, I have the prophecies to prove
That I shall weather out the storm aright
“Mogbeth shall never vanquished be until
Mt. Medivh is in Yardistan” they said.
And – “NO MAN BORN OF WOMAN SHALL HARM MOGBETH!!!”

Herald: My lord? It’s urgent.

Mogbeth: Yes? Yes?

Herald: The queen, my lord, is dead.

Mogbeth: (sighs pitifully)

She should have died hereafter.
There would have been a time for such a word
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
Creep at their petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time
And STILL we can’t quit micronationalism
Out, out, brief candle!
Life is but a moving shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets for a moment upon the stage
And then is heard no more – it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury…

Evil Line Stealing Dolphin: (swims in)

Signifying nothing

Mogbeth: HEY! THAT WAS MY LINE!

(EVIL LINE STEALING DOLPHIN makes evil clicking dolphin laughter and swims off. MOGBETH chases after him and almost runs into the HERALD, who has returned with more news.)

Herald: Your highness! It’s horrible! Reports have just come in from our forces at Mt. Medivh! We were massacred! Scarcely a man remains alive! The Yardistanis have a free route to our capital!

Mogbeth: But…but…how could this be?

Herald: Your highness, they…they…called in the Yardistani Annexation Corps! The carnage…my gods…you’ve never seen anything like it! They annexed everything! Our army…their own army…my hat

(he holds up his hat, which has a sticker on it saying “Property of the Yardistani Annexation Corps – If it’s not nailed down, it’s ours. If we can pry it loose, it wasn’t really nailed down”)

…our weaponry, the battlefield…heck, they even annexed Mt. Medivh.

Mogbeth: Did you say they annexed Mt. Medivh??!

Herald: I did, m’lord.

Mogbeth: And would that make it…part of Yardistan?

Herald: It would, m’lord.

Mogbeth: Gahg in a file cabinet! I’ve been conned! By a group of evil witches! Who would expect someone like that to do something so low?!

Herald: What should we do now, lord?

Mogbeth: Gather up all the armies and the guards
Every man left to us – even the old
We’ll make a stand before the castle gates
For it was said that “NO MAN BORN OF WOMAN
CAN HARM MOGBETH!!!” I still myself am safe.
Ring the alarum bell! Blow wind! Come rack!
At least we’ll die with harness on our back!

Scene Four

(Outside Castle Shirekeep. ANARCH NICHOLAS, STONE JACKABAR, and LETIFER are riding their horses through a battlefield. There are dead bodies strewn everywhere. MOGBETH is sitting on the far end of the stage, metaphorically far away from them in a different part of the scene, before the castle gate)

Letifer: Praise be to Gahg, for in this final battle
The forces of the traitor ran away
Without a fight – now I need only find him
To give to him the thrashing he deserves
For his most hateful crimes

Jackabar: Letifer, calm.
You are too valuable to risk in swordplay.
And once Mogbeth was a most skillful warrior.
I will not let you risk your life against him
Nor Anarch Nick’s – this battle is for me.
And me alone.

Nicholas: He’s right, you know.
What is the point of having yourself a captain
If he can’t fight to save you?

Letifer: Very well.
Though I burn for revenge, I still can bear
To see it done vicariously – hark!
The fiend himself!

(they have arrived in the part of the scene where MOGBETH sits. SIR JACKABAR dismounts and draws his sword. MOGBETH, upon seeing him, draws his sword as well.)

Jackabar: There you are, you villain!
This endeth here! You foul usurper! Die!

(they swordfight for a few seconds, and then stand warily apart from one another)

Mogbeth: Give up, Sir Stone.
I lead a charméd life, which must not yield
To one of woman born

Jackabar: Despair thy charm!
And tell the angel who thou still hath served
That I, Stone, was born not from mortal woman
But rather, was created by the Drow
As told in rambling and fantastic stories
That no one’s really read

Mogbeth: Accursed be the tongue that tells me so!
For thou hath cowed the better part of man!
I’ll not fight thee!

Jackabar: Then live! To be annexéd by the Y. A. C.
We’ll put you on display upon our page
And put a little sticker on your head
And add you to the list…

Mogbeth: No!

Though Mt. Medivh be come to Yardistan
And thou oppose, being of no woman born
Still I shall try the last – before my body
I throw my warlike shield – lay on, Sir Stone…

Evil Line Stealing Dolphin: (swimming in)

And damned be he who first cries “Hold, you’ve won!”

Mogbeth: THAT - WAS – MY – LINE!!!!!!

(The EVIL LINE STEALING DOLPHIN, who swims away with clicking laughter. MOGBETH, pursuing, trips over one of the corpses and falls on a mace, killing himself instantly. SIR JACKABAR shrugs, cuts off the head, and holds it up to ANARCH NICHOLAS and LETIFER)

Letifer: Thus does there pass out of the world a tyrant
A seed of war, of chaos, and of hate
But I, at last, inspired by his fate
To wisely rule and well, at last am Kaiser
Now I am got the throne! May fate and Gahg
Protect me and preserve me from such ends
And you, my loyal vassals, and my friends
Help me to guide you, and guide me as well
To Amity and Mirioth first I must
Turn my attention – and from there, who knows
Out of the desert of our deepest woes
Fresh flow’rs may someday grow, and I, and thou
My noble comrades, shall not lightly work
To heal the lands that have been rent by Mog
For Shireroth, for Kaiser, and for Gahg!

All: For Shireroth, for Kaiser, and for Gahg!

Act Five

Scene One

(The theater. Everybody has gone home, except for a few janitors who are picking up programs and throwing them away, some stage crew trying to repair scenery damaged by Stone’s overenthusiastic sword-swinging in Act Four, and the DIRECTOR, who is sitting in the front row and pondering how Opening Night went GRESHAM approaches the director.) Gresham: Honestly, vhat kind of Shakespearean tragedy has only four acts?

Director: (looking up)

What do you mean?

Gresham: All Shakespearean tragedies have five acts. Everyone knows zhat. You must be an idiot to be trying to parody Shakespeare in a tragedy vith only four acts.

Director: Did you ever stop to consider we’re in the fifth act right now?

Gresham: Vhat? But zhe curtain’s down! The play is over! I saw it end! Surely you’re not trying to say that this is part of the play??!!!

Director: Isn’t it? Isn’t it? (exeunt)