View from Benacia/Issue 15: Friday, the Eighth of October
This imported article was originally posted at http://viewfrombenacia.blogspot.com/2004/10/issue-15-friday-eighth-of-october.html at 10/09/04.
Sorry, no news tonight... I spent all night reading the Lord of the Webrings, and laughing my ass off. Here, enjoy for yourselves. :p
http://www.geocities.com/giantsquid1_1999/Other/LotWR.htm http://www.geocities.com/giantsquid1_1999/Other/LotWR2.htm http://www.geocities.com/giantsquid1_1999/Other/LotWR3.htm
Retrieved from Internet Archive 10/25/15
Part 1
Three webrings for Menelmacari, under heaven
Seven for the Microns, in Bill’s imagination
Nine for the Centaurs, though they’re really all Kevin
One for the Dark Lord and his dark nation
In the land of Baracao, where the shadows lie
One webring to rule them all
One webring to bind them
One webring to bring them all and in the darkness find them
In the land of Baracao where the shadows lie
Scene 1: A cottage in Shireroth. The Micron Billbo Dusch is outside, fingering a ring that he has just discovered on the banks of a river. Suddenly, a figure, in all grey except for his blue hair, rides up
Billbo: If it isn’t my old friend, master wizard, Jason the Blue! I haven’t seen you in ages! What brings you to these parts?
Jason: There are strange things afoot. I am searching for a magic ring. This seemed like as good a place as any to start
Billbo: What a coincidence! I just discovered this ring by the banks of a river a few minutes ago! You don’t think it could be this one, do you?
Jason: Well, there’s one way to find out. We need to throw it into a fire. If it’s the ring I’m looking for, there will appear an inscription in the Black Speech of Baracao.
Billbo builds a fire. Jason The Blue throws the ring into the fire. Then he reads the inscription that has appeared.
Jason: “Hasta la victoria siempre. Patria o muerte! Viva la Revolucion, companeros…” Stars alive! That’s the Black Speech of Baracao! This is the ring I’m looking for!
Billbo: Care to enlighten me as to what the big deal with this ring is?
Jason: It all begins with the creation of the world. Ari, the One, created the Vanar and the Maiar, two sets of gods, but one among the Vanar, Howard, revolted, becoming the Dark Enemy of the World. The gods defeated him, but his successor, Dafydd, escaped. He fled into the Black Land, Baracao, and became the Dark Chairman. Thence he plotted the ruin of the nations.
But at this point, men, elves, and others were living together harmoniously in a great kingdom called Tymaria. Dafydd knew he could not defeat the Tymarians through honorable means, so he decided to use cunning. He created nineteen webrings, passing them off to the leaders of the Tymarian provinces as a way to get activity, and the Tymarians soon joined them and became dependent on them. But what they did not know was that in a computer terminal in the depths of Mt. Yaanek, Chairman Dafydd had connected all of them via a final, twentieth, webring, under his control. All the activity was siphoned off to Baracao, and, when he thought he was strong enough, he struck. Only a determined resistance by the Prime of Tymaria, named Austi Scot, kept him from taking over the world. Scot took the One Webring from him, destroying his power and allowing Tymarian forces to seize the day. But alas! When returning from battle, he was ambushed, and killed, and the One Webring fell into a river, never to be seen again. Tymaria became Prime-less, and was ruled henceforward by a steward. But Dafydd, though weakened, was not killed, and he has been building up his power ever since, and is desperately looking for the One Webring to make it complete. You are in great danger if you keep that ring! You must go to Menelmacar and sit at the Conclave of Equals. They will know what to do!\
Billbo: Are you coming with me?
Jason: Alas, I cannot. These are grave tidings, and I must discuss them with the master of my order, Jesmer the White. But I will meet you at the Prancing Pony Inn in Menelmacar.
Billbo: When should I go?
Jason: (gravely) As soon as possible!
Scene Two: A pathway near Billbo’s cottage. Billbo has his ring and is carrying some packs full of traveling supplies.
Billbo: I hear someone coming. I wonder who it could be?
Gregwise: Hello, Billbo! Mere-smear! Where are you going?
Billbo: It’s my good friend, Gregwise! I’m going off on a perilous quest. No way you can join me! At all!
Gregwise: Can I come with you?
Billbo: Sure!
Gregwise: Hey, do you hear that noise? It sounds like horse hooves! I wonder what it could be?
Enter a figure all cloaked in black. It is riding a black horse. Gregwise and Billbo hide behind a tree. The figure looks around a bit, and then rides off
Billbo: What the PRH was THAT?
Gregwise: Well, I’ve heard stories. They say that the Dark Chairman Dafydd has a group of evil servants who do his bidding. They are called the Six Revolutionaries of Minorca, and they are formed from some of the evil beings corrupted by his webrings.
Billbo: Well, I hope we never see any of THOSE again
Gregwise: Not likely. How many can there be?
The two continue down the pathway.
Scene Three: Jesmer’s tower. Jason the Blue is approaching on horseback.
Jesmer: Well! My old friend! Won’t you come in!
Jason: Nice to see you again, Jesmer the White.
Jesmer: Well, you see, white’s such a boring color. I’ve decided to change to JesmerThe Many-Colored.
Jason: But what about the gods? What will they say to that?!
Jesmer: Gods, shmods.
Jason: Stars alive! You’ve been corrupted by the Dark Chairman, haven’t you?
Jesmer: Not corrupted, per se. I’m more…of ambiguous moral alignment right now. He and I had a frank talk. I’ve obtained a magic seeing stone as part of my top-secret intelligence work, and I’ve gotten a few conversations in with him. You know I’ve never really been too picky about having horribly evil people as friends anyway. Why don’t you join us?
Jason: Never! I have sworn loyalty to Ari and the Flame Imperishable!
Jesmer: Then you must not leave until you change your mind!
There is a brief battle. Jason uses his staff as a psi rod, but Jesmer of the Many Colors soon gets the better of him. Jason is locked up in a tower on the top floor.
Scene Four: A Road In The Forest
Billbo: Sure is dark in this here forest.
Gregwise: Sure is.
There is the noise of horses
Billbo: Aaaak! Revolutionary! Run and hide!
They hide behind a tree. The black rider totally misses them and rides onward obliviously.
Billbo: That was close. Now I’m nervous.
Gregwise: Well, I learned some Elven music. Maybe that can cheer you up.
Billbo: Elven music? Let’s hear it!
Gregwise:
(To The Tune Of “Gil-Galad Was An Elven King”)
Oh Austi was a Tymarian Prime
Who ruled way back in ancient time
The last of them who was in charge
Back when the URT was large
His might was great, his sense was small
His exec. decrees were feared by all
The countless men Tymaria had
In his command, for good or bad
But in a scandal he got embroiled
And all Tymaria’s hopes were spoiled
And into the darkness fell his star
In Baracao, where the shadows are
Billbo: No, that didn’t help at all. Let’s continue onward. If we keep going we can reach the Prancing Pony Inn by sunset.
Scene Five: The Top of Jesmer’s Tower. Jason the Blue has been imprisoned there for some time. Jesmer ascends the stairs and faces him
Jesmer: My top-secret intelligence connections have revealed some information about your little friends.
Jason: …
Jesmer: The Chairman knows where they are. They can’t run. They can’t hide. When Dafydd has the One Webring, he will be undefeatable. Join me now, Jason, while you have the chance.
Jason: I am a servant of Ari and the Flame Imperishable. There is nothing to discuss.
Jesmer: Then you must die
Jesmer shoots a stream of psi at him. Jason counters. The battle rages for a long time, but finally Jesmer gains the upper hand. Jason is pushed to the edge of the tower, and a triumphant Jesmer approaches him, hands brimming over with power.
Jesmer: This is your last chance, Jason the Blue. Join or die!
Jason: Ari! Save me!
Jason jumps off of the side of the tower. Jesmer smirks in triumph – when suddenly he sees an Epoch swoop down from the sky and save Jason at the last moment. He shakes his fist in the air.
Jesmer: No fair! Come back here! COME BACK HERE!
Scene Six: The Prancing Pony Inn. It is full of people. Billbo and Gregwise are at a table. There is a tall, grave-faced man, at another side of the room.
Billbo: At last! We’re finally safe! Jason should get here any minute.
Gregwise: I guess…I still just don’t feel very comfortable. It must be that ring you’ve got. Be sure never to put it on.
Bartender: Remember…the winner of tonight’s talent show gets a free beer! Do we have any takers?
Billbo: Oooh! Me! Me!
Billbo puts on the ring
Billbo: Now you see me….now you don’t!
Billbo takes off the ring and puts it back on
Billbo: Now you see me…now you don’t! Now you see me, now you don’t! Now you see me, now you don’t!
Gregwise: Billbo! Stop!
Billbo: Err…sorry. Pretend I didn’t just do that. Please.
Billbo and Gregwise slink back to their table. People are staring at them. Gregwise is scolding Billbo, saying “Now you’ve done it! Now you’ve really done it!” The tall, grave-faced man, walks over
Man: I assume you are friends of Jason’s?
Billbo: Yes…I mean no!
Man: You have a lot to learn. I’m Stryker. dStryker. I’ve been a ranger in these parts for a while. I’m a friend of Jason’s. I can help you.
Billbo: How do we know you’re telling the truth?
Stryker: I have a letter from Jason. Why don’t you read it?
Stryker hands the letter over to Billbo
Billbo: Dear Stryker…it is your old friend Jason the Blue. I am sending two friends up in your direction – please watch over them and make sure they come to no harm. I fear I may be detained longer than I expected with Jesmer the White, and your help in getting the two to Menelmacar would be completed. Hey! The letter ends with a poem!
All those who rave are not crazy
Not all the inactive are dead
Not all of the absent are lazy
They might just be plotting instead
They might just be plotting and waiting
They might just be biding their time
They might just be anticipating
When the Crownless again can be Prime!
Gregwise: What a weird poem! Who signed the letter?
Billbo: It’s not signed.
Stryker: Do you see that odd mark on the bottom? Like a square with circles on each corner and a boomerang shape in the center? That’s the J rune. It’s Jason’s signature.
Billbo: All right, we trust you. What should we do?
Stryker: We need to get out of here. People have recognized us. We can make it to Menelmacar in a few days.
Gregwise: Well then! Let’s be off!
Scene Seven: Menelmacar. Billbo finds himself alone in a bed. Suddenly the door opens, and Jason comes in.
Billbo: Jason! You made it!
Jason: Don’t exert yourself! You’ve had a very difficult time and you’re still very sick.
Billbo: What happened? I don’t remember anything.
Jason: You were attacked by a Revolutionary on the way here. You don’t remember anything because he struck you on the head before Stryker saved you. Or possibly it’s a sneaky literary device put in by someone who doesn’t want to have to recount your adventures.
Billbo: Is Gregwise okay? What about my ring? Where am I?
Jason: Gregwise is fine. Your ring is still around your neck. As for where you are, I believe someone else can answer that better than I.
The door opens again and a beautiful elf queen appears. She comes to the bedside.
Sirithil: I am Sirithil nos Feanor, Elentari of Menelmacar. This place is one of the last refuges of the Elves here on Middle Micron. Most of them have either died out of inactivity or merged with the Undying Lands to the west. I alone have been able to keep Menelmacar active by use of one of the Dark Chairman’s Three webrings. We are holding the Conclave of Equals here later to discuss what to do about your ring problem.
Billbo: Can I attend?
Sirithil: Certainly. Let’s see if you can stand.
Sirithil helps Billbo up. Faltering and holding her hand, he manages to walk outside, where there is a great gathering of wizards, wise men, nobles, and other such. It is the Conclave of Equals, a group come together for the defense of Middle-Micron. It is led by Jason the Blue.
Jason: Friends, we have a grave peril on our hands here! The One Webring is found! He takes it from Billbo’s neck and throws it into the fire, reading the inscription. Hasta la victoria siempre, patria o muerte, viva la revolucion companeros!
Iain Of Treesia: That tongue has never before been spoken here!
Jason: And, Ari willing, it never shall again! I say it only to prove to you that the One Webring is indeed found, lest that speech become the language of all Middle-Micron.
Diga of Attera: This is a great stroke of good fortune. With its power, Dafydd will be no trouble at all!
Ardashir of Babkha: No! Don’t let him have it! He’ll…ruin it! Or something!
Jason: Alas, I trust none of us with that webring, not even myself. The power that it holds is far too great for any one of us to command. We should end up with but another Dark Chairman. No, the Webring must not be used.
Sander of Pacary: Then let us destroy it!
Jason: If only it were so easy. The One Webring was created on a computer terminal in the center of Mt. Yaanek, and only from there can it be deleted. And Mount Yaanek is in the heart of Baracao.
Erik of Shireroth: umm…I touhrt it was in hyperboura?
Jason: The micronational world only has one volcano, and script considerations require it to be in Baracao, so just play along.
Vincent Of Morovia: But there’s no way we can ever get there! The Dark Chairman probably has it surrounded by spies!
Jason: Indeed. But we have no other choice. When the impossible is necessary, Ari will provide a way.
Ardashir of Babkha: Even were that so, there’s no one who would ever be so crazy as to take the One Webring into Dafydd’s territory like that! PRH, even I’m not that crazy, and I’m pretty crazy
Everyone nods their assent to Ardashir’s last statement
Jason: Well? Is that true? Out of all of the noblest and highest of Middle-Micron, is there not ONE of you who has the courage to carry the One Webring?
Billbo: I will take the Webring to Baracao, though I do not know the way.
Chaos. Everyone starts talking at once. The Wise are in a state of confusion. Suddenly, there is a voice from the back.
Gregwise: Wherever Master Bill goes, I, Gregwise the Micron, am going too!
Eoin of Treesia: I, Eoin the leprechaun, will join you also on your journey.
Fido The Talking Dog: I, Fido the Talking Dog will go with you also.
Stjepan: For those of you who do not know me, I am the son of the Steward of Tymaria. One night in a dream, I heard a voice. It told me:
Look for the Stormrider Sword
In Micron’s farthest reachest
There shall be made accord
More twisted than one of Rhode’s speeches
There will be demonstrated
That doom is near at hand
For Austi’s Bane is located
And the Microns forth will stand
I now see the meaning of the riddle. For the Microns are Billbo and Gregwise, and the Sword of the Stormrider is indeed in the hands of Stryker. I will go with Billbo.
Stryker: I have come this far – I will finish the journey.
Jason: That makes seven of us. Billbo, Stryker, Gregwise, Eoin, Fido, Stjepan, and myself. We will go to the Black Land, Baracao, and at Mount Yaanek delete the One Webring at the terminal where it was made.
Sirithil: Good luck, my friends, and may Ari be with you.
Scene Eight: Some desolate mountains
Eoin: Remind me again why we’re up here?
Jason: There are only two routes to the Black Land. One of them is the Mines of Mors, and we don’t want to go there. The other is over these desolate mountains.
Billbo: Are we there yet?
Jason: No
Billbo (ten minutes later): Are we there yet?
Jason: No.
Billbo: (a half hour later): NOW are we there yet?
Jason: Alas. I see this way is full of many troubles. We shall go through the dreaded Mines of Mors.
Scene Nine: A stone door. Behind, there is a pit filled with water. In front, the door is carved in tunes of an incomprehensible language (played by d’Enetet). The party stands in front of it, wondering.
Jason: Let me see if I can remember how to read this…frowns “Speak…friend…and…enter.”
Eoin: I wonder what the password is.
The pit of water behind them begins to stir.
Fido: Haha, I get it. You just say the word “friend”. FRIEND!
The door fails to open. A tentacle tentatively reaches out of the pit and gropes toward the party.
Gregwise: Nono, let me try! It says “Speak ‘friend and enter’”. So…”FRIEND AND ENTER!”
The door still fails to open. The tentacle grabs onto Eoin’s leg. He starts cursing in Irish. Jason notices.
Jason: Stars alive! It’s a MagiGARP! Those things are dangerous! We’ve got to get this door open!
Stjepan: OPEN UP YOU #*()#)$@ DOOR OR I’LL @#)@)$(% USE YOU FOR @)(#(()$)$ FIREWOOD!
The door opens
Jason: Hm. You never know what those crazy mine-builders will have as a password.
Stjepan rescues Eoin from the MagiGAPR and they proceed inside
Jason: These mines were built in ancient days by the Audentes, who lived long before even Tymaria sprang up. They were searching for the many rich metals in this area. But some say they dug too deep and uncovered a terrible ancient evil.
Stjepan: Eh, speaking of evil, look behind us.
A mob of somewhat deformed beings is rushing toward the party. They are dressed in red and have little caps with stars on them
Jason: It’s the campesinos! The mainstay of Dafydd’s army! We must flee!
The party runs through the mines, but is not swift enough. They do battle with the campesinos, and some are slain. When the party disperses, they run on. They hear an odd sound in the distance, something like bad guitar music.
Jason: I sense a great disturbance. We must run like the wind!
They all run, but unfortunately encounter another party of campesinos. They do battle again, but just when it seems they will be overwhelmed, the guitar music starts up again. The campesinos flee in terror.
Jason: It is as I feared. Quickly!
They reach a great bridge across a bottomless pit. The guitar music reaches a crescendo. Suddenly, Jason warns them to stop.
Jason: You cross the bridge alone. I will stay here and do battle.
Billbo: But what is it?
Jason: Many centuries ago, the Audentes built their mines here. But they woke a great evil that was sleeping in the earth – an ancient thing, too terrible to touch. It was called a Sager, and it destroyed the Audentes. I fear it has returned. You must cross to the other side and watch. I will give battle so you can continue.
The Sager appears. It is carrying a fiery whip, and is terrible in countenance. Jason stands on the edge of the bridge with his psi staff, ready to meet it.
Jason: You may not pass
The Sager looks at him fiercely and cracks its fiery whip.
Jason: I am a servant of the Flame Imperishable, the Secret Fire of Ari. I say – you may not pass!
Sager: What are you, part of the Baracaoan Foreign Legion?
The Sager attacks Jason. Jason counters with a psi blast. The battle continues until at last the Sager is knocked into the abyss. But it catches Jason with its fiery whip and drags him downward.
Jason: FLY YOU FOOLS!!!!!!!!
The party runs out of the Mines as fast as their feet can carry them, coming at last to the open air on the other side.
Scene Ten: A Forest
Billbo: Alas, poor Jason. I hardly knew ye.
Stryker: Will you get over it? I miss him too, but we’ve got to go onward. I’ll lead the party now.
Billbo: Grumble. Okay. Where are we going?
Stryker: This forest is called Lothlaria. The elves who live here are very talented, and can help our party – if they choose to do so. They might just kill us all.
Stjepan: No trouble for me! I hold the Sword of the Stormrider! I can kill a thousand foes just by Stjepan gets hit by an arrow and collapses
Stryker: (to general area) Hey! That wasn’t very ni…gets hit by arrow and collapses.
Scene Eleven: In The Forest, Somewhere. Billbo wakes up. There are elves all around him. The arrows just contained a sleeping poison. He turns to the nearest elf.
Billbo: What is this? Who wants to see me?
Elf: The Queen of The Elves wants to see you. Just wait for her.
Soon the Queen of the Elves appears, followed by a train of attendants.
Billbo: Philip Locke? YOU’RE Queen of the Elves?
Locke: Shhhh! They don’t know my real name here!
Billbo: But you’re not even an elf! Nor a woman, for that matter!
Locke: You want the whole world to hear you? Keep quiet and maybe you can get out of here alive.
Billbo: (whispering) Okay, okay, but…why?
Locke: (whispering) At first it was a mistake. I guess the queen of the elves died or something and I wandered into the forest on the same day. Somehow they mistook me for her…I learned that elves don’t have very good vision or anything. I know that it’s living a lie and all, but I get all the luxuries I want. And the beautiful elven princesses…It’s great over here! I’m treated like a king…or a queen, I suppose.
Billbo: So can you get me out of here?
Locke: Give me your ring.
Billbo: Are you crazy? Do you remember what happened last time someone gave you power? If you had the One Webring you’d probably end up deleting the whole Universe!
Locke stares at the ring longingly.
Locke: Yeesss…to die proudly when one is no longer able to live proudly! In place of a Dark Chairman, you could have a Hegemon…his eyes go wild, and he seems to expand but alas, it is not to be. He shrinks back to normal
Billbo: Locke, can you prophecy my future?
Locke: Hmmm..your future…you’re a Capricorn, no? Well, let’s have a look in my magic birdbath here…looks in birdbath…death, despair, hatred, killing, horror, terror, starvation, famine, terror…oooh, there’s a love affair…death, evil, darkness, despair, and did I mention terror?
Billbo: All that?
Locke: And that’s just in the next week! But don’t worry, I’ve got a present for you to get you through. Locke hands him a phial of light
Billbo: Ooooh, light, real big deal. Why don’t you give me a flashlight instead? Then maybe I can make my OWN light.
Locke: Don’t mock the elf-light! Now get going, before I change my mind and decide to kill you all!
Billbo goes into the clearing, where he sees his friends. They depart the forest of Lothlaria and continue onward.
Scene Twelve: By a river. In the forest. The group has paused for some much needed rest.
Stjepan: Hey, Billbo, can I see your ring?
Billbo: No
Stjepan: Awww…why not?
Billbo: I…don’t trust anyone else with it. It’s mine.
Stjepan: You sure?
Billbo: It’s my precious.
Stjepan: All right. You see, it’s just that Tymaria, where I come from, has been on a decline for many centuries, and it seems like if I had the One Webring, I’d be able to channel enough activity to save it.
Billbo: You can’t have the ring!
Stjepan: All right…wait…what’s that noise…campesinos!
A horde of campesinos catches the party unaware. Quickly they grab their swords and defend themselves. The battle is valiant, but Eoin and Fido are taken captive, and Stjepan incurs a fatal wound. Stryker and Billbo rush to the dying Stjepan.
Stjepan: Alas...
Billbo: Oh, alas, Stjepan! You are slain! But you have died valiantly, and need not fear!
Stjepan: I don’t fear death….dying, though? That sucks. I just wish…I wish I knew what would happen to Tymaria. They’re so weak right now. Under the stewards. The Prime has been gone too long. I wish I could but see him before I died.
Stryker: Stjepan, look into my eyes. I am the Prime of Tymaria, a descendent of the ancient stock. dStryker is not my true name. I am in fact Tony Au, the rightful Executive.
Stjepan: Then I may die happy. Stjepan dies
Billbo: You? Are the Prime Executive? Shocked
Stryker: Yes, but we must go rescue Eoin and Fido! Gregwise! Come on!
Billbo: No! I’m going to keep going!
Stryker: Into Baracao? All alone? Are you mad?
Gregwise: Not all alone! I’m coming with him!
Stryker: But…that’s insane! I’ll have no part of it!
Billbo: We wouldn’t expect you to. Go rescue Eoin and Fido – they need your help more than I. As for me, I shall trust in Ari, and go onward.
Thus the Fellowship of the Webring parted ways, with Eoin and Fido carried off by campesinos, and dStryker hot on their heels. But Billbo and Gregwise push on alone, going ever further, into the land of Baracao, where the shadows are.
Part 2
Three webrings for Menelmacari, under heaven
Seven for the Microns, in Bill’s imagination
Nine for the Centaurs, though they’re really just Kevin
One for the Dark Chairman, in his dark nation
In the land of Baracao, where the shadows lie
One webring to rule them all
One webring to bind them
One webring to bring them all
And in the darkness find them
In the land of Baracao, where the shadows lie
Scene One: Some horrible godforsaken swamp. It has been three days since Gregwise and Billbo left the rest of the party, and they have been advancing toward Baracao all this time. Oddly enough, they have heard indications that someone is following them – but have thus far been able to shrug them off.
Billbo: Sure is horrible in this swamp.
Gregwise: And godforsaken.
Billbo: But I guess we’ve got to keep going. Do you have any more of that elf-music to keep the pace?
Gregwise: Matter of fact, I do.
To The Tune Of: “Upon the Hearth A Fire Is Red”
Upon my desk is work undone
Outside my friends are having fun
But not yet weary are my hands
On the desk where my computer stands
With looks disheveled I type away
Though long ago has passed the day
Site and chat and IRC!
Leave them be! Leave them be!
UBB and CGI!
Pass them by! Pass them by!
Beyond that link, there might have been
Some new news or a post unseen
And though today the time we lack
We Add To Favorites, to come back
And take the links and rings that lead
To new exciting threads to read
AIM and URL!
Fare thee well! Fare thee well!
Till midnight when the board is dead!
Then off to bed! Then off to bed!
Wait a second! Did you hear something?
Billbo: Yeah. A sort of croaking/gasping noise. Coming from in back of us. I heard it last night, too. I think someone’s following us.
Gregwise: Mere-smear! What should we do?
Billbo: I’m going to stay up tonight. See if it’s less wary under cover of darkness. Maybe then we can catch it.
Gregwise: Good plan. Ari only knows what horrors are in these swamps.
Scene Two: Somewhere south of Lothlaria. A party of campesinos is carrying along Fido and Eoin. They are speaking in the unintelligible Black Speech of Baracao, and their captives are getting very nervous.
Calif the Campesino: ((Do you think these are the prisoners that Cromien ordered us to bring?))
Andres the Campesino: ((Cromien wanted Microns. One of these is a talking dog, and the other is a leprechaun))
Calif: ((Darn. Do you think we could make them look like Microns if we used a lot of makeup?))
Andres: ((Not likely))
Eoin: What do you think they’re saying, Fido?
Fido: Discussing what sort of horrible tortures they’re going to use on us, no doubt. There’s got to be some way to escape!
Andres: ((Hey, no talking among the prisoners!))
Eoin: Well, considering you don’t understand our language, and we don’t understand yours, how exactly do you expect us to understand that?
Andres takes out his laptop. He goes to babelfish.altavista.com, and clicks and drags to “Black Speech to Treesian” He types in “((Hey, no talking among the prisoners!)).
Andres: Speech no with prisoners, ya?
Fido snickers. Andres hands him the computer. Fido changes it to “Treesian To Black Speech”. He types in “OK”
Fido: K of the O, surely.
Andres stares a bit. Then he keeps walking. The party moves further south.
Scene Three: The horrible godforsaken swamp again. It is night. Gregwise is sleeping soundly, but Billbo remains awake, trying to look for the dim shape of his follower in the darkness.
Billbo: It’s quiet out. Too quiet.
There is a sound like a cross between a gulp and a croak, sounding vaguely like “hubert, hubert!” Billbo jumps.
Billbo: Who said that!
Hubert: Nice little Microns not get mad! Hubert is nice little Micronses’ friend! Hubert wants to help little Micronses!
Billbo: Pull yourself together! Who are you?!
Hubert: Meesa Hubert. Meesa come to get my precious from nice little Microns.
Billbo: Okay, first, “meesa” is a Jar Jar thing. While I suppose you can’t help it if the writer of this script constantly gets Jar Jar and Gollum confused, please try to rein it in. Second, I’m not sure what your precious is, but I don’t think we have it.
Gregwise: (waking up) Ari above, what is that THING? Billbo, get it away from you!
Hubert: Microns no hurt Hubert! Billbo protect me! Right Billbo you protect Hubert?
Gregwise: Billbo, I don’t know what that thing is or what it’s doing, but I can tell you it’s up to no good!
Hubert: Hubert good! Hubert very very good! Gregwise just see “character” Hubert was playing! Hubert very nice now nice little Micronses not hurt Hubert!
Billbo: Okay, let’s sort this thing out right now. First, Hubert, what is this “precious” you’re talking about?
Hubert gestures to the ring around Billbo’s neck.
Gregwise: Billbo! He’s after the Webring! He could steal it!
Hubert: How many times I have to tell Gregwise that Hubert not his character? I never do something like take that! That be “old Hubert”!
Billbo: Gregwise, I’ve made a decision. Hubert can come with us. We’ll just have to watch him. Very closely.
Hubert: Oh thank you kind kind nice Micron he not let Gregwise hurt poor Hubert!
Gregwise: Well, it’s your life you’re endangering, I guess. Mere-smear, I don’t know how many chances you’re going to give him.
Hubert: Hubert go to sleep in swamp tomorrow he show way to Baracao.
Gregwise: I don’t like this one bit. Not ONE bit.
Scene Four: A plain west of Baracao. Stryker is riding, looking for signs of Eoin and Fido, when he comes upon a great force of cavalry. He lays down his arms in the gesture of peace and approaches their leader.
Stryker: Hail, I am Au, called dStryker, descendant of Primes. I come in peace to all who are not servants of the Dark Chairman.
Steve: I am Darkstar, commander of the Shirerothian cavalry in the name of the Kaiser of the Mark. What brings you to our land?
Stryker: Two of my companions, a Talking Dog and a leprechaun, were recently captured by campesinos. I seek news of their whereabouts.
Steve: Those are grave tidings indeed, friend. My scouts have heard word of a party of campesinos in the direction we are going. Why don’t you follow us back to Shirekeep and we’ll see if we cross their path.
Stryker: I thank you, friend Darkstar. I shall ride with your cavalry to Shirekeep.
Scene Five: Nearby, in the party of campesinos. A few hours later. It is nighttime. Fido and Eoin are tied up. The campesinos are asleep.
Fido: Psssst…if you gnaw at these ropes, you can kind of bite through them.
Eoin: Dogs gnaw. Talking Dogs, if exceptionally backwards, gnaw. *I* do not gnaw.
Fido: (finally loosing rope) Well then, I’ll see your bloodstained mangled body around sometime. Bye. (starts walking away)
Eoin: Okay! Okay! Wait up! I’ll gnaw! (starts gnawing at rope. Eventually breaks through)
Fido: Wow. That was a surprisingly easy escape.
Eoin: Speak for yourself. Anyway, where are we going now?
Fido: I was thinking we should go into that forest over there. Always lots of fun stuff to smell and chase in a forest!
Eoin: Oh no you don’t! I’ve heard of that forest! That place is HAUNTED! The trees there MOVE! And they have VOICES! It’s like that one that’s always staring out at you from the back of the Shireroth forum!
Fido: Well then, have fun when the campesinos wake up (starts walking away)
Eoin: Okay, okay! I’ll follow you! But none of that dog urinating on trees stuff! You hear me?
The two of them walk off into the forest. It quickly grows very, very, dark, and spooky.
Eoin: Did you hear something?
Fido: Nope.
Mysterious Voice: Me neither.
Eoin: Okay, good. (walks on a few steps). HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! WHO SAID THAT?
A form appears. It seems like a giant tree, only mobile, and with visible eyes and mouth. It is Cutterham the MoroviEnt
Cutterham: You have stumbled, I fear, into the forest of the MoroviEnts.
Eoin: MoroviEnts?
Cutterham: It’s a long story. Long, long ago, when the earth was still young, over six years ago now, in fact, before any of the kingdoms of today, the MoroviEnts roamed free around the many lands. But when the kingdoms of men came up, a disaster befell the MoroviEnts, and we retreated back into the forests. We are very wary of intruders, and few come into our hiding places, which is how we like it. We do not like the men of today. They are too headstrong, and hasty. We work at our own leisurely pace here in the forest, discussing everything and letting it mature over time.
Fido: You…don’t mind us coming, do you?
Cutterham: You’re not a Tymarian, are you? (Fido and Eoin shake their heads) We see that you mean us no harm. In fact, we would like to invite you to a meeting of our Royal Assembly. We have all gathered together to discuss a very important issue.
Eoin: And what is that?
Cutterham: There is treachery afoot in Freenesgard. Jesmer the White has shirked his duty and gone to the side of the Dark Chairman. But come, you shall hear more at the Assembly.
Eoin, Fido, and Cutterham proceed to the great clearing where the Royal Assembly is to be conducted.
Scene Six: The horrible godforsaken swamp again. Billbo, Gregwise, and Hubert are plodding along.
Hubert: Micronses must not step into quicksand. Big green plant there shows quicksand. Hubert take Micronses away from the danger!
Billbo: See! I told you he would be an asset.
Gregwise: Look, every time someplace as taken him in, he’s betrayed their trust. I don’t believe this “new Hubert” stuff for a moment. He’s probably leading us right into the Dark Chairman’s arms.
Billbo: So, Hubert, tell us your story. How did you get to the…state you’re in today? And what connection do you have with my ring?
Hubert: Oh! Hubert tell story! Yes! Once long ago Hubert was Micron just like you!
Billbo and Gregwise suppress an involuntary shudder
Hubert: Then Hubert find ring. Pretty ring! Hubert put ring on! All of a sudden, Hubert no longer little Micron! Hubert has magic powers! Great Hubert! Everyone love him! But people start plotting against Hubert! Hubert not happy! They want to take precious away from him! So Hubert find secret hiding place. But then evil Micron come and trick Hubert out of ring! It is all trick! He mistake “character Hubert” for “real Hubert”! Character Hubert not same as real Hubert! Nasty, nasty Micron! Like him! (Hubert points to Gregwise) He steal ring! But Hubert find Billbo! Nice Billbo! He will not let Hubert get hurt!
Billbo: Err…yes. That’s a very nice story, Hubert!
Hubert is eating a dead bird.
Gregwise: Let’s just continue on, shall we?
Scene Seven: The plains near Shirekeep. Stryker and the Shirerothian cavalry are riding along.
Steve: I’ve got some bad news for you, Stryker?
Stryker: What have you found?
Steve: Our scouts came across that band of campesinos again. They managed to take them by surprise and rout them. But no talking dogs or leprechauns among them, I’m afraid.
Stryker: (face tightens) Then…they’re dead?
Steve: I don’t know. Maybe something else happened. We can always h…hey! Who’s that man over there?
There is, in fact, a man sitting on a log nearby. He is wearing white robes, carrying a psi rod, and has bright blue hair. Stryker stands with his mouth open, speechless. At last he summons some words.
Stryker: Jjjj..Jason! But…you’re dead! I saw you fall to the bottom of the Mines of Mors with the Sager!
Jason: Jason died at Mors. But Ari, in his wisdom, saw fit to send me back to Middle-Micron so I could continue my battle. No longer shall you call my Jason. I am now Harvey the Blue.
Stryker: You must tell me the whole story!
Jason: When the Sager pulled me down to the bottom of the mines, we fought there for a long time. At last I slew it. That ancient evil will trouble the world no more. But my wounds were fatal. I returned to the Undying Lands in the west from whence I had come. But Ari beheld that the world was still in danger, and he and the Valar restored me to Middle-Micron thus, to continue the struggle.
Stryker: This is excellent news. We are going to Shirekeep. Will you accompany us?
Jason: I shall. Let us be off.
The Shirerothian cavalry, with Jason and Stryker, head west toward Shirekeep.
Scene Eight: Fido The Talking Dog and Eoin have been lead by Cutterham into the clearing. There they are surrounded by vast numbers of MoroviEnts, preparing for the Royal Assembly.
Cutterham: Hello? Hello everyone? We have some visitors. This is Fido the Talking Dog and Eoin the leprechaun from the far-off land of Treesia. (Fido and Eoin wave.)
Fido: (going up to a MoroviEnt) What’s your name?
Cutterham: No no no! We MoroviEnts don’t handle names in the same way you do. Our names are usually very private affairs. Also, because they are in Entish, they’re very long and unpronounceable. Stuff like “Bekkenhuis”
Fido: Ah, sorry.
Cutterham: It’s all right. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to start the Assembly
Cutterham moves to the center of the clearing and speaks in a much louder voice.
Cutterham: Fellow MoroviEnts! We are faced with a dire peril! Jesmer the White, in his fortress of Freenesgard, has declared allegiance to the Dark Chairman Dafydd! He has sent parties of campesinos against us! I fear that if we do not stop him now, totally and absolutely, we will have no place left to hide, and even this forest will become overrun. I will now turn the floor over to our war-leader, Foong
Foong: Thank you. None of us can remember the last time that a MoroviEnt went to war. We do not believe in it, and are committed to all peaceful means of resolution. However, when we are threatened, I have been working to make sure that we will not come out the worse from it. We are very powerful, and it is my belief that we can launch a siege of Freenesgard and come out the victors.
There is a voice calling out from the back.
Gresham: Just reveal Jesmer’s credit card numbers!
There is general booing and hissing. Cutterham pulls Fido and Eoin aside
Cutterham: That little one who just spoke…with the malformed branches…he’s Gresham. He’s the brash, impudent one among us. We try to ignore him – you’d be best to do so too.
Foong: We will now take a vote. All in favor of an attack on Freenesgard – aye. All opposed, nay.
The votes are tallied by Cutterham and Foong. A vast majority of them are ayes. The MoroviEnts start gearing up for war, chanting, and generally preparing for their assault.
Scene Nine: Shirekeep. Stryker and Jason are led into the room by Steve. Upon a high throne is the Kaiser of the Mark, Letifer I. Next to him is a little man with tiny eyes and a rather shifty look to him.
Steve: Greetings, Kaiser. I have brought friends. This one on my right is Stryker, who claims to be of the ancient line of Primes, and the one on my left…
Letifer: …needs no intraductiun. I know you well, Jason the Blue, and you are not welcome. Wherever you go, there is troble.
The little man beside him nods assent
Jason: I am called now Harvey the Blue, and I do not bring trouble, but seek it out. Moreover, I know well why your heart has been turned against me. This man who you have let into your keep is Grima Washburn, the servant of Jesmer the Many-Colored. He has doubtless come to spread lies against me.
Grima: I have come only to sserve this great king in whatever capacity I ccan.
Letifer: See, hes not so bad!
Jason: He is a cowardly flatterer in the employ of Jesmer.
Letifer: Jesmer and I have a deal. He doesnt bother us, I dont bother him. All this talk of going to war for “the righteos cause” and all is nice, but it’s really not our busness.
Jason suddenly expands to triple his normal size. He seems to pulsate with power. He speaks not with his own voice but with the thunder
Jason: LETIFER, AWAKE! CAST OFF JESMER’S TREACHERIES!
Letifer is stunned. Suddenly he rises up from his throne.
Letifer: I see that Jason the Blue is right. I have let myself be conttroled by flaterers and weeklings to long. It is time to restoar Shireroth to what it once was – a country mighty in warfair and willing to stand up for its principals. I realise what Washburn has done, and I cast him from my keep forever!
Grima: But great king, surely you must give yourself a while to reconsider. I am certain you will return to your usual wisdom eventually.
Steve grins menacingly and brandishes his axe. Washburn reluctantly departs.
Letifer: Darkstar, ready the ridders of the Shirerothians. Tomorow, we leave for Freenesgard. And I myself will be at the comannd!
Steve: But Sire, you are old and surely in no physical condition to leave the palace, let alone ride in battle!
Letifer: That was Letifer! I am now….um…pick a god…Ikol II! YES! ALL HAIL IKOL II!
Everyone: All hail Ikol II!
The newly christened Ikol II and his riders prepare for battle. Jason and Stryker are given quarters, and rest for the night in Shirekeep, ready to ride with them the next day.
Scene Ten: The godforsaken swamp again. But now there are mountains in the distance: the Montanas Rojas, which mark the boundary to Baracao. Billbo, Gregwise, and Hubert are trodding along.
Billbo: Those look like some pretty nasty mountains there. I wonder how we’ll ever get over them. And what’s that cloud of darkness?
Hubert: Hubert know what mountains are! Hubert was in Black Land once, back when he was “old Hubert”! “Old Hubert” just a character! Two ways to get over mountain! One is the pass! But pass is guarded by Minas Moogle, Tower Of Winged Bears! Evil place! Meesa no want to go back to Minas Moogle! Other way too! Other way much better! Go through secret cave! No one know about secret cave, only Hubert! Hubert can take nice Micronses through secret cave, and Micronses get into Black Land no problem!
Billbo: But what is that dark cloud?
Hubert: Dark Chairman is building up his armies! All kinds of factories and smithies being built! Soon armies march out of Minas Moogle, and world go to Dafydd!
Gregwise: That’s terrible! We’ll have to get in there and destroy the One Webring very qui…urp.
Hubert: NOOOOOOOOOOO! No destroy my precious! (Grabs onto Billbo) Don’t let the nasty Micron destroy my precious! Billbo will save Hubert! Billbo will keep precious safe!
Billbo: Errr…yes. That’s exactly what I’ll do. Now why don’t you, er, go off and find another dead bird to eat?
Hubert goes off and does exactly that. Gregwise and Billbo stare at one another nervously, and then back at the mountains.
Scene Eleven: Freenesgard. On one side, we have the MoroviEnts, with Fido and Eoin in tow. On the other, we have the Shirerothians, with Stryker and Jason following.
Fido: This has been…an enlightening experience. Those MoroviEnts may be odd, but no one can accuse them of being weak.
Eoin: They must have torn every building they’ve come to up from the foundations! They are angry! I wouldn’t want to be Jesmer right now!
Fido: What’s that? In the distance?
The Shirerothian cavalry draws near, with two familiar figures at its head
Eoin: Stryker? JASON??????!!!!
Stryker: Eoin! Fido! You’re alive! Ari be praised!
Eoin: What the PRH is up with you, Jason? We saw you die back in Mors!
Jason: Call me Harvey. And all will be revealed in time.
A party of campesinos issues from the tower. The Shirerothians and the MoroviEnts, together, make short work of them. Jason calls for Jesmer to come out and fight like a man. Instead, there appears another figure.
Grima: What do you want?
Jason: Tell your master to come down.
Grima: You cannot fight with Jesmer!
Jason: (fire in his eyes) Washburn, I’m going to say this once and only once, get your master to come down!
Jesmer of the Many Colors, in his rainbow robes, steps out. He gazes upon the armies massed against him. Finally he turns to Jason.
Jesmer: You should not have come. Twice before you have tried your power against me, and you have proven the weaker. It is not fitting that one among the Istari should finish off another, but I am afraid I have no other choice. Jason, you are doomed, just as you sealed your doom with your rejection when last you came. (He readies his psi rod)
Jason: I am no longer Jason the Blue, who you betrayed. I am Harvey the Blue, and I cast you from your color and from this Order!
With a resounding crack, Jesmer’s psi rod, of its own accord bursts into many pieces. The wizard looks around for help, but finds none. He mutters a spell and disappears.
The triumphant Shirerothians and MoroviEnts make quick work dismantling all of the apparatus of evil that Jesmer has created. The foul breeding pits are filled in, the factories taken apart, and the last remaining bands of campesinos slain. A stench still hangs around the place, and will for years to come, but it is immeasurably better than it was before.
Due To Circumstances Beyond our Control, Scenes Twelve And Thirteen Have Been Canceled! Thus Ends Book Two of the Lord of the Webrings, The Tymar Tower. The Rest Of The Story, Including The Actual Part About The Tymar Tower, Which We Unfortunately Forgot To Include, Making The Title Rather Silly, Shall Be Continued And Completed In The Third Book Of This Series, Being Entitled The Return Of The Prime.
Part 3
Three webrings for Menelmacari, under heaven
Seven for the Microns, in Bill’s imagination
Nine for the Centaurs, though they’re really all Kevin
One for the Dark Chairman, in his dark nation
In the land of Baracao, where the shadows lie
One webring to rule them all
One webring to bind them
One webring to bring them all
And in the darkness find them
In the land of Baracao, where the shadows lie
Scene One: A plain west of Freenesgard. Jesmer the Many-Colored has at last been defeated by the allied Shirerothians and MoroviEnts, as well as Harvey the Blue and the rest of the Fellowship of the Webring. The MoroviEnts have returned to their forest hideaway, their purpose complete. They will resume isolation and never be seen by mortal man again. Meanwhile, a group of the leaders of the Shirerothians are debating their future actions.
Harvey: You have done well, but we have no time to savor our victory. Dafydd is building an army in the East. Soon he will march against Tymaria. The Revolutionaries are abroad, and parties of campesinos roam the land. We must continue the battle.
Ikol: but where?
Stryker: Look! Off in the distance!
They look. Where Stryker’s finger points, they can just make out a white dot, that seems to rise skyward from the plain.
Eoin: It’s…some white thing.
Stryker: (emotional) Do you see it, Eoin? The white Tymar Tower! Minas Tymarith! Built back in the days of Austi Scot…some say a horrible evil dwelt in there once, but now it is the capital of the kingdom! My kingdom! Stryker breaks into song
To The Tune Of “Gondor, Between The Mountains And The Sea”
Tymaria! Tymaria! Between ill-planned and just absurd!
Thy states are active! The world comes to thy message board!
To the archives of the laws of Primes of old!
Blue forums! Black hearts! Laurels green and suns of gold!
Shall states stay active? Or men still check thy message board?
Tymaria! Tymaria! Between ill-planned and just absurd!
But it is threatened! I know in my heart that it is there that Dafydd seeks to send the army he is building! I know it is many leagues from here, but we must defend it!
Ikol: YES!!! I SHALL REVENGE!!!
Eoin: That’s a very impressive tower. But weren’t there Two Towers?
Stryker: Alas, yes. The Primes of old built two towers, Minas Tymarith and Minas Celestis. But the Dark Chairman’s forces captured the last one, and it became a place of sorrow and sorcery, now called Minas Moogle. They say horrible creatures and shadows have been seen around it. We shall talk of it no longer.
Steve: It is agreed, then? We shall go to Tymaria City and defend the United Republic for Stryker?
Ikol: YES! WE SHALL REVNGE! DEATH TO BALGURD I MEAN MORDOR I MEAN BARACAO!!! HAHAHAHA!
Ikol rides off at a gallop. Everyone else looks at one another, shrugs, and rides off after him, in the direction of Minas Tymarith, the Tymar Tower.
Scene Two: By a range of very large, imposing, and generally forbidding looking mountains. Billbo, Gregwise, and Hubert are on the edge of the horrible godforsaken swamp through which they were traversing the entire last section.
Billbo: Well…here we are. These mountains are sure large.
Gregwise: And imposing!
Hubert: And forbidding! But Hubert know the way through! Yes, Hubert know secret cave so Micronses can get past Minas Moogle no trouble at all! See, there cave right there!
Hubert points to a piece of rock, and indeed, when looked at closely, the opening of a cavern can just be discerned. The entrance is littered with skull and human bones.
Hubert: No giant spiders in that cave at all! No sirree! Old Hubert would lead Micronses through cave with giant spider, but new Hubert not like that!
Billbo and Gregwise look at one another, but shrug and follow Hubert into the cave opening. It is very, very, dark in the cave, but there are sort of these luminescent fungus things that light the way a little. Billbo almost trips, but Gregwise catches him. Suddenly, they see a sign. “WANT FREE SPACE ON A PHP BOARD? COME THIS WAY!” Intrigued, the two Microns follow the direction it points to.
Billbo: (getting tangled in web) AAAUUUGGGHHH! It was a trap! I’m caught in a giant spiderweb! And where there’s a giant spiderweb, there must be…
A giant spider approaches. It is Sil-loby, the descendent of the ancient Ungoliant which fled the Undying Lands with William Howard many ages ago. The free php board space was but a trap perpetrated by the giant arachnid to lure unsuspecting travelers into its web. Sil-loby bites Billbo, and the venom courses through his body.
Billbo: AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!
Gregwise: I told you we couldn’t trust that Hubert! Now look where he’s led us! He must have been a Baracaoan in cahoots with Sil-loby this whole time! But don’t worry, Billbo, I’ll save you!
Gregwise grabs his sword and fights off Sil-loby. Finally, he pierces the spider’s black heart. Some kind of nasty black liquid shoots out, and it falls over dead. Then Gregwise cuts loose Billbo. But alas…it seems it is too late. Billbo does not seem to be breathing, and no pulse can be detected.
Gregwise: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Gregwise sits down and cries. But at last, he rises.
Gregwise: I will have to continue this quest on my own. It isn’t so far now. I can just take the Webring and go. (he looks at the One Webring around Billbo’s neck. Gingerly, he removes it and puts it around his own. Then he salutes his dead friend, and departs.) A few minutes pass, and a party of moogles enters the cave.
Malysus: Kupo! Did you hear something?
Nemesis: Nope, nothing.
Lacrymosa: Well, /I/ heard something!
They come across Billbo’s body
Nemesis: A Micron! Woohoo! That’s what Dafydd told us to look for! Let’s bring him back to the Tower and see what we can get off of him!
The Baracaoans, with Billbo in tow, ascend the passageway to Minas Moogle, while Gregwise watches from the shadows.
Scene Three: Just outside the walls of Minas Tymarith. The Shirerothians have paused to rest for the night. Stryker is addressing Ikol, Eoin, Harvey, and Fido.
Stryker: Tomorrow you will reach the Tymar Tower. But I shall not follow you. I have my own path. The Tymarians will need all the help they can get for the coming battle, for Baracao’s army is strong. You will go and fight with them. But I will gather help elsewhere.
Fido: Where do you plan to go?
Stryker: Legends say that, long ago, in the time of Austi Scot, when all of the Tymarians were called against the Baracaoan legions, one group, called the Atterans, broke off and refused to go. They were angry at the time because one of their nobles had been removed from the command of the Tymarian army, so they broke their vow of loyalty and aided not in that great battle. To compound their offense, later they insulted Ari, committing the gravest of blasphemies. As a punishment, their souls were doomed to wander the Middle-Micron as ghosts until such time as descendent of the line of Primes should need their service once more. I go to call them to that service and bring them into battle, for they are great warriors and, though dead, may yet be of aid.
Ikol: good luck and dont get yourself killed!
Stryker: That I shall not do. One more thing I must tell you. When you enter the throne room of Minas Tymarith tomorrow, the throne shall be empty. For Ryan, the leader of the Tymarians, is not the Prime. He is merely a Steward. The Primes vanished due to connection problems long ago. I am of their race, but Ryan does not know this, and must not be told. Treat him as you would a monarch, for he is a brave and worthy leader.
Eoin: We understand. Good luck, Stryker, and Arispeed.
Scene Four: Minas Moogle. Billbo finds himself lying on a table. He feels very drowsy and nauseous. After a few minutes, he remembers where he is.
Billbo: I must have been poisoned by Sil-lob-y’s venom! But…where am I now? I must have been captured by the Baracaoans! Woe is me! OH NO! MY RING! THEY TOOK MY RING! MY PRECIOUS! I’m doomed! Middle-Micron is doomed!
Gregwise: (entering) Billbo! I’m so glad I found you! I thought you were done for!
Billbo: Gregwise! They’ve got my ring!
Gregwise: They do, do they? Mere-smear! (Gregwise pulls out the One Webring)
Billbo: My precious! Give it to me! Give it to me!
Gregwise looks at him funny, but shrugs, and gives Billbo the Webring
Billbo: How did you get in here?
Gregwise: It’s an odd story, actually…all the moogles killed one another arguing over a kupo nut. I don’t pretend to understand it. But that’s not the point. We’ve got to get out!
Billbo: Definitely. I’m still feeling a bit sick, but hopefully we can make it.
Billbo and Gregwise navigate the treacherous pathways of Minas Moogle until they at last reach the bottom. Then they step out…into Baracao, the Red Land. The place is barren – there is not a plant to be seen. The sky is covered by great clouds of smoke and soot. Huge gashes have been ripped across the very earth, and great dens of scum and pollution litter the land. It vaguely reminds me of the time I drove through New Jersey. Far in the distance, the two Microns behold a volcano, spurting up clouds of ash and flame.
Billbo: Mount Yaanek. Our final destination.
Gregwise: Good Ari, they want us to go THERE?
Billbo: Come, I’m sure it’s not as far as it looks. And we have food for (checks pack) almost another hour, assuming we don’t get hungry.
Gregwise: Mere-smear. (he shrugs, and the two descend the Montanas Rojas toward Mount Yaanek)
Scene Five: The throne room. Minas Tymarith. Fido, Steve, Eoin, Harvey, and Ikol are there, along with Eoin’s sister Niamh, who I threw in because I realized I needed an Eowyn character, there aren’t too many females around, and Eoin told me that she was oddly enough, reading this. Anyhow, they’re all standing in front of the throne, beside which is a smaller chair, on which sits Ryan Caruso, Steward of Tymaria, and his son, .
Ryan: Welcome, Jason the Blue. Welcome, Ikol of Shireroth. Welcome, friends.
Ikol: I am no longer Ikol, I am…(thinks for a second) Kaiseress Vivantia III!
Ryan: I see.
Harvey: We have come because there is a grave danger to your land. Dafydd gathers his forces in Baracao, and they will move against Tymaria in a matter of days. I have come to offer my services in war, as has Ikol, a
Vivantia: (in high-pitched, female voice) Vivantia!
Harvey: Right…as have Vivantia and my friends here. They are all skilled in arms. A…friend is looking for another force he can bring us.
Ryan: Those are good tidings indeed. Alas, Tymaria is not what it once was, under the Primes. The TDF has been mustered to attempt to defend the city, but they are weak. Marshal Noseworthy does what he can, but he has few men, and fewer still good ones. Tymarians are not like they were back in the time of the Primes.
Vivantia: Shireroth brings five divisions of cavalry.
Steve: And I’m going to see if I can invent a really cool ship by the time the Baracaoans arrive.
Ryan: You are true friends to the United Republic.
Members of the TDF come to escort our heroes to their quarters. Ryan and Marshal Noseworthy remain in the throne room, studying a tactical map.
Scene Six: Baracao. The Red Land. Billbo and Gregwise are walking along a sort-of-path of jagged, broken, rocks. The sun has been blocked out entirely.
Billbo: What’s that? In the distance?
Gregwise: I see what you mean…some sort of movement. Good Ari! That must be the Dark Chairman’s army! It’s on the move!
Billbo: No way that’s his army! It’s too big! There can’t be that many campesinos in all the world!
Gregwise: Mark my words, that’s the army. And it’s going in the direction of Tymaria!
Billbo: They’re doomed! They’ll never be able to fight off anything that big!
Gregwise: I just hope Stryker and Eoin and Fido and the rest have enough sense to steer clear of the combat, or they’ll never get out alive.
Billbo: Oh, I’m sure they’d never be so stupid as to try to face that. Look, Mount Yaanek’s getting closer, I can tell! Only a few more leagues to go! Courage, Gregwise, courage!
Gregwise: Mere-smear!
Scene Seven: The plain outside Minas Tymarith. The Tymar Tower gleams high and white in the background. Marshal Noseworthy is talking to Ryan and Harvey the Blue, discussing strategy.
Noseworthy: Right. So Minas Tymarith is built on seven levels. If the first fails, we just move up. This place can hold up against a siege for years. I don’t expect it’ll be too much trouble to defend, despite all the doom-sayers. Oh! Look! Here comes our spy, Conway! He’s been off near the gates of Mordor trying to determine the size of the Baracaoan armies.
Conway: Marshal! Marshal! You’re not going to believe this! Dafydd comes with a force of a million men! The plains are darkened by them! Everything in their path has surrendered without a fight! And worse, they’re being led by the Witch-King of Varja!
Noseworthy: The Witch-King of Varja! Ari have mercy on us!
Ryan: Who is the Witch-King of Varja?
Noseworthy: Long ago, in the north, the kingdom of Varja was ruled wisely, and well. But then Dafydd gave one of the Nine Webrings to its king, Eruinen, and he was slowly corrupted from an intelligent, personable leader to the Dark Chairman’s loyal servant. Now he is known as the Witch-King, and he is foremost among all of Dafydd’s legions.
Ryan: And he is a menace to our city?
Noseworthy: That’s a bit of an understatement. He rides a great black dragon as a steed, is skilled in the arts of sorcery, and exercises the power of life and death over his men. He will be a difficult foe indeed, if he is in truth at the head of the force coming against us.
Ryan: Do you think you are his equal?
Noseworthy: I do not know. But I will give my all.
Harvey: You shall not go up alone. My magic is more than a match for the Witch-King’s. And Shireroth has sent for three more divisions of their cavalry.
Vivantia: WE SHALL REVENGE!!!
Fido: I and Eoin are with you, Marshal Noseworthy!
Niamh: I’ll help too!
Noseworthy: No no, we can’t have girls off there fighting. It’s just not done.
Niamh is highly annoyed
Noseworthy: Look! To the east! I see something! I think they’re here! To battle stations! To battle stations!
(everyone runs to the walls and grabs their weapons, except Niamh, who enters the palace, thinking)
Scene Eight: A haunted hillside. Stryker is alone. He descends from his horse beside a great hillside, out of which are carved two black doors. He opens the doors and descends. The entrance becomes a cavern, and an underground pathway. All is still. For many hours Stryker walks, making no sound. He is afraid, but he does not show it. Finally, he reaches a great black stone in the middle of a great cave. He places his hand on the stone and speaks.
Stryker: Oathbreakers! Ye who deserted Tymaria back in the age of Scot, and were doomed to wander Middle-Micron as undead souls until such time as you could make good your promise! Your time has come! Once more Tymaria needs your aid against the Dark Chairman! Arise, ye Atterans, for the defense of your homeland!
At first, the cavern remains silent. Then it shakes, and row after row of ghostly soldiers seem to rise out of the ground. One steps before the rest.
Diga: Who calls us, and what do you want.
Stryker: I am Tony Au, bearer of the Stormrider Sword, and heir to the Prime Executive position of Tymaria. I seek your aid against the Dark Chairman. Either redeem yourselves or be forever damned.
Diga: We shall come.
Stryker: Then let us be off, for time grows short, and the Dark Chairman must not gain the Tower.
Scene Nine: The slopes of Mount Yaanek. Billbo and Gregwise, starving, thirsty, tired, exhausted, and sick, are inching their way up the great volcano.
Billbo: You think we’ll make it in time?
Gregwise: You mean before the Dark Chairman takes Minas Tymarith? I think they can hold out – I’ve heard it’s quite the stronghold.
Billbo: That’s nice, but I was thinking more along the lines of before we starve to death. Or possibly collapse. Or get caught by campesinos. One of the three.
Gregwise: Oh. That I’m not so sure about. Hey, Billbo, how are we going to get back?
Billbo: We’re not.
Gregwise: (a bit confused and worried) No?
Billbo: No. We will delete the One Webring and save Middle-Micron. That will be enough. It’s impossible for us to get back, and I don’t think we should worry about it. We’ll die on the mountain.
Gregwise: (a bit depressed) Oh. I hadn’t thought of it that way. (pause) Do you think that Dafydd’s going to have the mountain guarded?
Billbo: I’ve been thinking about that. I don’t think that he will. It’s so foreign to his philosophy for someone to want to destroy the One Webring rather than twist it to his own use. So he’s probably not even considering this possibility.
Gregwise: Well, that’s nice to know, I guess.
The two climb further, and at last arrive at a cavern door. Their journey is almost over. They enter the cavern. Unseen and unheard, a third figure enters the cavern just behind them.
Scene Ten: Minas Tymarith. Dafydd’s army has arrived, and it is indeed as large as the spy said. The defenders of the Tymar Tower keep scant hope, but they will not desert their position. Finally, the first wave of campesinos comes to the wall, and is shot at by a hail of arrows.
Eoin: DON’T JUDGE ME! (he slices a campesino to pieces, and waves his sword menacingly at the rest) Go gcreime cúnna ifrinn do chroí!
The tide of battle rises and falls. A party of campesinos breaks through the first level of the city. Harvey the Blue shoots them with a great wall of fire from his psi rod. They fall back, but more take their place. Marshal Noseworthy leads the Tymarian hosts to try and plug the gap. Fido starts biting and mauling campesinos, but complains that they taste terrible, and retreats back to the camp for a drink.
Suddenly, a foul black shape appears in the sky. It is Eruinen, Witch-King of Varja, on his magic courser. The snake-dragon howls and hisses, taking out a whole platoon of TDF men with its fire and venom. Harvey shoots a fireball at it, but to no avail. Urged on by their leader, the campesinos break through the first level once again, and the hard-pressed Tymarians fall back, though every inch the campesinos take comes only with great losses.
Then a figure covered from head to toe with armor rides out from the Tower. He rides a black horse and has a bow and arrow in hand. He starts shooting at the Witch-King, who, enraged, steers his courser groundward to finish off this upstart.
But Fido the Talking Dog comes to his defense, biting at the beast and barking wildly. The mysterious figure switches from bow to sword, cutting a great gash into the Witch-King himself. He cries in pain, but shoots a stream of pale dark fire out at the figure. While he is thus engaged, Fido jumps over the wing of the snake-dragon and sinks his teeth into the Witch-King’s heart, finishing him off. But the mysterious hero falls over, unable to take the sorcerer’s flame. Immediately, TDF personnel run to the spot and cart him to the nearest tent, where, taking off the helmet, it is revealed to be – Niamh! She has dressed up as a man to fight in the battle, and has saved the day for the Tymarians!
But alas – a new wave of campesinos has arrived, and more of the Revolutionaries are with them. Twisted creatures from the middle of the Dark Chairman’s domain that have never yet seen the light of day (let’s call them Freenesians) and warriors from afar corrupted into Baracao’s service (the Free Republicans) join the fray as well. From Haradwaithe in the Far South come the mysterious Babkhans, on camelback. And a great cry of despair comes from the mouth of every Tymarian as the Pacarian flag is seen flying amid the Enemy’s hosts, and they know that even that once great country has been taken at last. These new hosts quickly overrun the first level and break into the second. There does not seem to be much hope for the valiant TDF. The third also falls. It seems the last bastion of freedom in the West is doomed.
Scene Eleven: Inside Mount Yaanek. At last, Billbo and Gregwise have reached their destination. A lone computer terminal stands in the cavern. Billbo sits down.
Billbo: (reading from computer) Welcome to the One Webring Uninstall Wizard. Please type in the serial number from the Webring around your neck and press Next to continue. (Billbo takes the One Webring from his neck, checks the serial number, types it in, and presses Next)
Gregwise: I can’t believe this is actually going to happen! We’re going to save Middle-Micron!
Billbo: (still reading) Uninstalling the One Webring will free up 230 KB of hard drive space and eliminate an evil demigod’s iron clutch over the world forever. Do you wish to continue? (Billbo presses continue) Do you wish to have a full uninstall, partial uninstall, or custom uninstall. If partial, please be aware that lingering traces of evil powers may remain in your world. (Billbo presses full uninstall, and continues reading) Please confirm deletion of One Webring.exe.
There is a pause.
Gregwise: Well? What are you waiting for? Delete it!
Billbo: Wait a second. I’m thinking.
Gregwise: Mere-smear! Delete it!
Billbo: No, on second thought. I don’t think I will. Think about it, Gregwise. If we delete the One Webring, sure, we’ll get rid of Dafydd, but everyone else will just keep going about their business. The Shirerothians, the Tymarians, the Atterans. But Gregwise, don’t you see? If I used the activity that the One Webring could give me, I could rule the micronational world! I could get rid of politics forever, ban parties, get people interested in culture, maybe even convert people to Apolloism! I could finally do something against all the people who have been teasing me and taunting my ideas mercilessly all these years! A true Alacic Age! A world-wide Demesos under President Billbo Dusch! It could happen, Gregwise! It could all be mine! (his eyes seem to turn red)
Gregwise: Billbo, no! We came here to destroy the Webring, not to create new evil! You have to fight it! It’s corrupted you! I can see it in your face! You’re becoming like Dafydd! You can’t let this happen to you! You can’t! Billbo! Stop yourself!
But Billbo merely sits at the terminal, staring at the One Webring, and beginning to froth at the mouth. He takes the mouse in his hand and moves the pointer over to “Cancel”. He raises his hand to press the ENTER button…
Hubert: MY PRECCCIOUSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! (Hubert, running in, dives at Billbo. He misses, and the mouse flies across the table, with the cursor landing on “Uninstall”. Hubert lands face flat on the keyboard, and the fatal ENTER key is pressed.
Gregwise: (reading the screen) You have uninstalled the One Webring. Thank you for using Uninstall Wizard. (then) Error 3394D2 in “tolkien.exe”. File “evil.rob” missing or unavailable. Shutting down land of Baracao.
Hubert: NOOOOO! MY PRECIOUS!!!! (he runs around in a frenzy, smashing the remnants of the computer terminal to bits. When he grabs a wire, a huge current pulses through him, and he falls down, dead from electric shock. In the background, the remnants of the computer still shine their pale message to the world.
“File ‘tolkien.exe’ has been hopelessly corrupted. Abort, retry, fail?”
Scene Twelve: The upper levels of Minas Tymarith. Alas for the brave defenders of the Tymar Tower. They have been driven up to the third level, and are still being pressed at on all sides by the Freenesians, Free Republicans, Revolutionaries, Babkhans, and campesinos. Harvey shoots his magic fire, and Eoin and Fido fight bravely, but it seems it will be of no avail. Then, from the east…
Steve: WE HAVE REVENGED!!!!! The Shirerothian cavalry, led by Darkstar, at last reach the field. The TDF take heart and begin pushing the campesinos back. The legions of the Dark Chairman, on the other hand, are surrounded, and begin battling fiercely for their freedom. But they are still far numerically superior, and soon the third level is theirs.
Noseworthy: What is that? In the distance? On the ocean?
Harvey: Alas! I recognize those ships. They are those of the Southern Pirates, slaves of Baracao. They must be carrying reinforcements. Alas for Tymaria! Alas!
The TDF see the ships also, and begin to lose hope. Their defense of the breakpoint to the fourth level grows ever weaker. Then, a hope beyond hope! Those watching the ships come closer suddenly behold on the sail…
Ryan: It’s the Tymarian flag!
And indeed it is. But not just any Tymarian flag. It is the red, white, and blue banner of the ancient Primes, with the green laurel wreath and golden sun. And from the stern of the boat, they hear a voice ring out:
Tymaria! Tymaria! Between ill-planned and just absurd!
Thy states are active! The world comes to thy message board!
To the archives of decress of Primes of old!
Blue forums! Black hearts! Laurels green and sun of gold!
Shall states stay active? Shall men still check thy message board?
Tymaria! Tymaria! Between ill-planned and just absurd!
Now it is the campesinos and Baracaoans who are afraid. But even greater their fear when the ships reach the shore, and the ancient undead Atterans sweep out, crushing the campesinos before them. Nothing stands up to their might, and the forces of the Dark Chairman flee, routed. Yet above them all, and with an air of kingly majesty about him, is a single figure. And he approaches Ryan, with an aspect of sovereign dignity, saying.
Stryker: I am Tony Au, last of the ancient line, bearer of the Sword of the Stormrider, which was broken but has been forged again, and Prime Executive of the United Republic of Tymaria.
There is awed silence from all.
Ryan: Can it be? Is it true that the ancient bloodline is back?
Harvey: It is so. I have known Au for many years, and he is quite who he claims to be. It is as the old riddle goes.
All those who rave are not crazy
Not all the inactive are dead
Not all of the absent are lazy
They might just be plotting instead
They might just be plotting and waiting
They might just be biding their time
They might just be anticipating
When the crownless again can be Prime!
And indeed, the crownless again shall be Prime!
Ryan: But what of the Baracaoans? Their army may have been defeated this time, but surely in a week Dafydd can build another just as big, and we will have no recourse!
Harvey: Look to the East!
As Harvey says this, they behold a faint tremor in the earth. From afar, they see the Tower of Winged Bears, Minas Moogle, fall into the earth, its foundations rent from beneath it. In the east, a horrible figure seems to rise. For a moment, it fills the skies, so that nothing else can be seen, and its face is contorted as though it were screaming, although its mouth, covered by a black bandana, cannot be seen. Then the cloud above Baracao seems to lift, all of a sudden, and, from the West, an Epoch appears, broadcasting:
Sing now, ye people of the Tymar Tower, for the Realm of Dafydd is ended for ever, and Ciudad de Howard is thrown down.
Sing and rejoice, ye people of the Tower of Austi, for your watch hath not been in vain, and Minas Moogle is broken, and your Prime hath passed through, and he is victorious.
Then all the people know that the Quest of the Webring has been successful, and the power of Baracao has been broken forever. And they all join in song, and the Dead go to their rightful rest, and the Prime once more ascends the white steps of the Tymar Tower.
Scene Thirteen: The slopes of Mt. Yaanek. Billbo and Gregwise are sitting alone, looking out at the land of Baracao and toward the West.
Gregwise: Well, we did it. The One Webring has been deleted.
Billbo: I just don’t know what came over me, Gregwise. I knew that the Webring had to be destroyed, I really did. I just couldn’t do it! It had too much power over me.
Gregwise: No one’s blaming you, Billbo. You really did an incredible job there. And we won! Look, already some of the darkness is beginning to evaporate. I think I may have felt a drop of rain! Baracao is no more. The Tymarians can live in peace now, and the rest of the world. And it’s all thanks to you.
Billbo: I guess. Too bad we both have to die now.
Harvey: Not if I have anything to say about it, you won’t!
An Epoch is hovering above them, and lets down a boarding ladder. Joyfully, Gregwise and Billbo join the wizard in the craft, and fly at supersonic speed to Minas Tymarith.
Billbo: Jason?!?! You’re still alive?!?!
Harvey: I was reincarnated. My work on Middle-Micron was not yet complete.
Billbo: But I don’t get it…where’d you get an Epoch?
Harvey: I didn’t “get it”. It was sent by Ari, from the Undying Lands. It was not his wish that you should die, after doing so much service to Middle-Micron.
Gregwise: But…if Ari was watching us this whole time, and if he cared so much for our survival, why didn’t he destroy Baracao himself? Why put us through such horrible danger?
Harvey: Sorry, you’ve already asked all your questions for today.
They land
Stryker: Welcome, Billbo, Gregwise. Truly you have done Middle-Micron a great service. The United Republic of Tymaria offers you the highest praise, and indeed perhaps Ari himself will one day open to you the Undying Lands. But for now, I wish to host you as honored guests at my coronation as Prime of Tymaria.
Billbo: That’s really nice of you, but we haven’t eaten or had anything to drink in a week and a half, and we were wondering if there might be some refreshments or something?...
Stryker: No. Now sit down. The ceremony’s about to begin.
After a long speech, Harvey the Blue puts the crown of Tymaria on Tony’s head. The audience applauses, and a great squadron of Epochs fly through the heavens. Fireworks go off. At last, the ceremony is over. The Prime has returned at last. Tymaria has been restored. Steve, Vivantia (now Loki I), Harvey, Stryker, Eoin, Niamh, Fido, Billbo, Gregwise, Ryan, and Noseworthy all part and go their separate ways, becoming important figures in their respective micronations. And Middle-Micron is free for many uncounted ages, and Tymaria prospers as in days of old. And everyone lives Happily Ever After.
