The Gospel According to Monterey Jack

[Scott Alexander]

The Gospel According to Monterey JackAn Account of the Life and Death of Cheesus, the Dairy Messiah        AND IT CAME TO PASS, in the land of Cheesrael, that the people forgot the ways of the Lard and breaking His commandments, eating many foreign foods and neglecting to give the dairy group its rightful place in the balanced diet. And many despaired of righteousness, saying that the Lard had forgotten them, but the prophet Cheesiah proclaimed that He should send the people of Cheesrael a Dairy Messiah, who would teach them the right path and bring eternal salivation to the LardÂ’s chosen people.        And it was thus that in the reign of King Herod, a child was born to a virgin, and given the name of Cheesus. And it is said that all the dairy farmers left their fields to pay Him homage at his nativity, for He was the Curd made Flesh and the only begotten Son of Gouda. But the evil King Herod was lactose-intolerant. And so he ordered all the young children murdered, but Cheesus hid in a bucket of yogurt and escaped.        When Cheesus was a young man, He felt a calling from Gouda. And so He entered the desert to fast and meditate for some time. There, he was approached by the Tempter, Sated, who enticed him by means of his fast to betray his calling. “If you are really the Son of Gouda”, Sated told him, “you can turn this stone into bread”. But Cheesus told the Tempter: “Man does not live by bread alone, but by milk, cheese, cream, and other dairy products, all of which are part of a complete breakfast.” And Sated left, having been vanquished. And Cheesus, upon returning to civilization, met with John the Baptist, who would wash away peopleÂ’s sins by immersing them in milk. And when Cheesus was baptized, a great voice from the Heavens proclaimed “This is my only begotton Son, the Second Edam and the Curd Made Flesh, and I am well-pleased with Him.”        Then Cheesus began His ministry, urging the people of Cheesrael to turn away from tasteless and unsatisfying foods and return to the dairy group. But at every step of his way He was opposed by an order of priests dedicated to stringent dietary fat restrictions, the Pharisoys. For the Pharisoys believed that CheesusÂ’ natural and scrumptious recipes would upset their strict diet, and so they persecuted Him and drove Him from city after city. But Cheesus was not daunted, for He told the Pharisoys that “Gouda so loved the world that He sent his only begotten Son, that all who believed in Him should never hunger.”        And so He went from place to place, and in each place the Pharisoys would meet him and try to make him lose face before the people. And at the city of Cheesarea, the Pharisoys accused Him of violating the old recipes set down by Gouda, and of being a heretic sent by the Devil to turn the people away from the Lard. But Cheesus only retorted “Do you want some cheese with your whine?” and the Pharisoys, embarrassed, departed, murmuring against Him in secret.        And everywhere Cheesus went, He gathered more disciples, and performed many miracles. A man came to Him, barely able to walk because his bones were too weak. And Cheesus did give milk fortified with calcium unto him, and he did walk again. Elsewhere, during a wedding at Cana, Cheesus turned milk into butter. And one time, when He was preaching, He sliced a single block of cheese so that it fed all two thousand listeners.         Most important of the followers of Cheesus was one who had once been a dairy farmer named Simon. Cheesus approached him, saying “Today you milk cows, but come with me and I will make you a milker of men.” And at that Simon left his cows and took the name Feta, because Cheesus said he was the “block on which I will build my church”.        But after some time preaching in the smaller cities of Cheesrael, Cheesus realized that to spread His message He would have to enter the capital, Jerusalem, despite the real prospect that the Pharisoys might try to harm Him. And so entering the city with some of his disciples, He preached His most famous sermon from atop the Temple Mount:        “Blessed are the cheesemakers, for they are the children of Gouda        “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after dairy products, for they shall be filled        “Blessed are those who love Swiss cheese, for they shall be called holy.        “Verily do I say unto you - do not use brand names for your dairy products, like Kraft and other hypocrites do. For they have their reward. Rather, give freely of them, taking no glory for thyself, but saying that the cheesy goodness is that of your Lard in heaven. For your diligence must be greater even than that of the Pharisoys if you are to achieve salivation.        “Verily do I say unto you – the time shall come when the world shall be visited with famines and rumors of famines. And men will cry – ‘Cheese! Cheese!Â’ but there will be no cheese. And then the Son of Gouda shall come down from the heavens and part the goats upon His left hand, and the cows upon His right, and the enemies of the Lard shall be thrust into the outer darkness and thrown into the great lake of “nonfat” milk.        “Verily do I say unto you - Do not think that I have come to abolish the old recipes. I have come not to abolish them, but to add flavor to them. Anyone who changes even the least ingredient shall be visited with the fires of heartburn.        “I say unto you - You are the parmesan cheese of the Earth. But if parmesan cheese loses its sharpness, how can it be made sharp again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.        “And I say unto you – ask, and it shall be fed to you. For what man among you, if his son ask for cheese, would give him a so-called “healthy” artificial alternative?        “And I say unto you – easier for a camel to pass through the holes in a piece of Swiss cheese than for a thin man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven         “And I say unto you – there will be many who call themselves prophets of the Dairy Messiah – but by their cheese products you shall know them. Just as a good cow cannot bear evil milk, so tasty dairy items cannot proceed from one who is not a servant of the Lard Gouda.”        And when He had finished these sayings, the people were astounded, for He spoke as one who had confidence, not like the scribes and the Pharisoys.        But the Pharisoys themselves had come up with a fiendish plot to kill Cheesus. For at this time the land of Cheesrael was ruled by the Romano Empire, who objected to all varieties of cheese but Romano. And so they schemed to turn Cheesus over to the Romano governor, Pilate. For CheesusÂ’ disciple Chewdas had betrayed him and told the Pharisoys where he would be dining that evening.        And so that evening Cheesus ate supper with his disciples, eating cheese and drinking wine. But they saw he was vexed and anxious. And at last Cheesus said unto them “You shall take my flesh, and it shall be cheese. And you shall take my blood, and it shall be tomato sauce.” To be fair, this was after He had drunken a lot of the wine. But none of the disciples understood Him.         At last, the Pharisoys and the Romanos came to arrest Cheesus. And they took Him before Pilate, saying “Ecce fromage!” And Pilate asked Him who He was, and He declared “I am Cheesus, tastiest of Messiahs, son of Gouda.” And thus Pilate pronounced judgment on Him, saying that He should be crucified.         And so Cheesus was taken to a hill called Gorgonzola, meaning the place of skulls, and there a cross was erected, and He was tied to it with string cheese. And for three hours He hung there, with nothing to eat or drink but bitter milk upon a sponge given Him by a disciple, and on the third hour He cried out “Gouda, Gouda, why have you forsaken me?” and gave up the ghost. For the Lard Gouda had decreed that Cheesus must die in order to redeem the sin of Edam, who had defied His will by eating fruit instead of cheese.        His body was given to Feta, and to the other disciples, who kept it for three days, having nowhere to bury it. At last, they decided to give it a cremation, and they let a wood fire and placed the body of their Lard in it. But lo! As He had prophesied, His flesh became cheese, and His blood tomato sauce, and His bones a hard, crunchy crust. And by a great miracle, the fire was extinguished, and there upon the pyre Cheesus had left His great gift to the people of Cheesrael – the first pizza.        And thus did all the disciples of Cheesus partake of the pizza at the first Communion. And all were heard to exclaim “Mmmm...saviour the flavor!”        All know how, after this, the disciples of Cheesus spread pizza to every corner of the world, and how millions have since partaken of His cheesy goodness. And thus was eternal salivation brought to the people of Cheesrael and beyond. Bearbeitet von: Scott Siskind  am: 9/13/03 9:19 pm

[Gryphon the Pure]

*applauds enthusiastically*Bravo! Bravo!(P.S. how is it that you came to have Mod over this forum anyhow?) Raised by a family of Griffins in the forests of Llanowar, this young mage is rumored to be the sole male born of the Serra tribe.

[UEC]

I'm amused... E. Metzler (UEC)Duke of Brookshire"Never use a BOO/\/\ist as a diplomat" -- GSClicky Clicky..., Tiss for your own good ya know.

[Angellene]

What the ....????

[Solitary Poet 8]

....Indeed. ~The Solitary Poet of Delvenus

[UEC]

exactly.. E. Metzler (UEC)Duke of Brookshire"Never use a BOO/\/\ist as a diplomat" -- GSClicky Clicky..., Tiss for your own good ya know.