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| − | ===The Story of the Road to Borders Bay=== | + | [http://bastionunion.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=367&t=11278 Tetrabiblios] |
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| − | One day, the Butter Cow was walking down the road to the Borders Bay along with his 9 disciples. The sun was hot that day, and Butter Cow began to perspire and drip his sacred butter on the road. Butter Cow stopped when his disciples began crying and worshiping the spilled butter. "Why do you weep, my friends?" spake Butter Cow. "O blessed one, your butter has fallen to the ground, making it holy. We cannot walk on it, lest we blaspheme," replied Tony-called-Toni. "Oh ye fools!" cried Butter Cow, "Can ye not see it is a hot day, for I am made of lowly butter, dost though not expect me to drippeth on the road we walk?" At that, the 9 men stood up, and got back onto the road, and followed Butter Cow.
| + | [category:Natopia]] |
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| − | As it came to pass, the disciples' sneakers began to become very buttery and slick, having tread upon the butter dripping form the venerable image of the Butter Cow. Several of the men slipped and fell on the road. Butter Cow stopped and turned. "Why do you fall, my disciples?" One of the men, Ringo, replied "We slip, for the road is made slick and buttery by your drippings, for the sun is hot and you are made of lowly butter." "Fools!" replied the Butter Cow, "For what wouldst thou expect, walking behind a being made of lowly butter? Therefore, thou shalt henceforth walk before me." And so the men did.
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| − | ===The Story of the False Cow===
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| − | Three of the disciples of the Butter Cow, Joelle, Sherrith, and Nathaniel, went on the pilgrimage to Butter Cow City to gaze upon the image of the Butter Cow at the fair held there every year. Upon entering the Dairy Hall, the shrine to that year's image, Nathaniel could see a problem. "The image of the reverent Cow is not in its proper altar," he said to Sherrith and Joelle as they entered. The image of the Cow had been placed in a rotating altar, in the center of the Dairy Hall, with many creatures, also made of butter, surrounding the reverent image.
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| − | The disciples were aghast at the display of blasphemy and sought out the masters of the fair to protest. The masters defended the image by saying, "It is written that every year a new image of the Cow was to be made, as the specific breed of the reverent Butter Cow is unknown, and so a new breed was to be represented every year. And if a new image was to be made every year, why should not realistic additions be added to the image of the Cow?"
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| − | Joelle thus spake, "As you say it is written that a new breed of cow be represented each year. But it is not written that any additions be made to the perfect image of the reverent Butter Cow. To do so is to imply imperfection in the image of the Cow, to suggest it requires additional creatures. Burn this image, I say, for it is an abomination unto the Cow! Let the butter seep into the ground, for it has been tainted and is now only fit for the worms of the earth."
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| − | Ashamed, the masters did as the disciples commanded.
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| − | ===The Story of the Vices on Mount Vice===
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| − | As it came to pass, the Butter Cow and one of his nine disciples, Branflake, were walking along the road from Pavleton to Vice City. When they came to the foothills of Mount Vice, Branflake lamented "One does not simply walk into Vice City." To which the Butter Cow replied, "O ye fool! One simply climbs into Vice City, for it is built on the peak of Mount Vice, the tallest mountain in the land." And so they climbed.
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| − | When they came to the ancient, man-made plateau that Vice City was built on, they were shocked to see a menagerie of vice and sin. Branflake lamented, "O Cow! Dost thou see the men laying with men as with women? And the all thou can eateth shrimp bar? And then the men laying with men as with women whilst eating all thou can eateth shrimp?"
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| − | And the reverent Butter Cow gazed upon the abominations and vices. Soon he turned to Branflake and spake thusly, "Well that... that's just fine."
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| − | And Branflake was left on the street to view the abominations as the reverent Butter Cow walked into the nearest all thou can eateth lobster bar, for he had his own butter for dressing it in.
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| − | ===The Revelation to Saint Biffor===
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| − | The Revelation of the reverent Butter Cow of the things which will come to pass as given to his disciple, Biffor, who bare witness to this account.
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| − | And lo, I saw the many lesser cows amongst the other creatures of the earth, grazing and mowing. Then the sky opened up and there was a great disturbance. From the sky came forth a demon shaped like a saucer with goggles.
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| − | The demon terrorized the cows and creatures of the earth and took them up into its belly. There it did horrendous things to the cow, it sliced them and played music with their entrails.
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| − | And then there was a room with many tubes. In it were cows being grown in a most unnatural way. The reverent Butter Cow saw this and was not pleased. He commanded one of the cows to grow, and thus it grew as a tumor, uncontrolled until it caused the demon to erupt and burst. Still the cow continued to grow until it let forth its own spawn into the world.
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| − | These spawn went on to terrorize and eat the other creatures of earth, for they were spawn of the Margarine Cow, who had been created by the demon, yet given life by the Butter Cow, therefore the Margarine Cow desired only destruction, for it knew not if it were good or evil, for it was made of both and yet therefore neither.
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| − | The demons came forth again, to subdue and control the Margarine Cow. They succeeded. However, as the Margarine Cow fell to the earth, it summoned forth material from the city with dimensions of one mile squared. The material became Mecha-Margarine Cow, and battled the demon with a dozen eyes which had come from the sky.
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| − | And thus the two titans fought for 40 seconds until the sky opened up yet again and a great mechanical beast began to rain fire upon the earth. The Mecha-Margarine Cow rode the demon with a dozen eyes into space and to the moon.
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| − | As soon as the Mecha-Margarine Cow had left the planet with the demons, there was then no evil upon the earth's surface. The Butter Cow saw this and took up all of his faithful to live with him for eternity in Dairyland.
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| − | There in space the Mecha-Margarine Cow saw the destruction on the face of the earth caused by the large mechanical beast, and seeing no other option, thrust the moon down onto the beast and earth, killing 1/4 of the world's population in the process.
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| − | He then returned to earth, which now only had the heathens, and he set up his centurial kingdom of false butter gods, strict intolerance, and Victorian sensibilities.
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| − | And those in Dairyland looked down upon their brothers and sisters and felt pity. And they laughed.
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| − | ===The Law as Revealed to Saint Taznim===
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| − | And it came to pass that a lowly turtle farmer by the name of Taznim was herding her turtles across the great Klaasiyan plains, when suddenly a great voice spoke. Taznim was afraid for she knew not where the voice came from, and so she began to cower behind one of the larger turtles.
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| − | "Do not be afraid, my child, for I am the voice of the one true Cow. You have been chosen as you have forsaken all other cows before you and now are a shepherd of turtles, one of my noblest creations."
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| − | Taznim became less afraid and heard more clearly the voice now. It seemed to be coming from behind a large rock. "Do not come near the large rock, for you will be disappointed to learn that I am certainly not behind the rock, but my voice is emanating from the rock! Do not come to the rock or I will ... curse you and your children for seven and seventy generations!" Taznim was again afraid, but did not intend to have children, so she ventured closer to the rock.
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| − | "Fool! You have invoked the wrath of the Cow! I will now leave in disgust in the form of a cow made of butter to shame you and show my power!" And with that the Butter Cow ran away from behind the rock.
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| − | Taznim saw that a stone tablet was left behind the rock and picked it up. On it were inscribed the Laws of the one true Cow. All who obeyed this law will find favor with the Cow and live with him in Dairyland for eternity.
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| − | Thou will not murder. Thou will not steal. Thou will not lie. Thou will not worship any other Cow. Thou will honor thy dairy farmers. Thou will embrace thy neighbor's strange customs. Thou will not covet thy neighbor's ass, thou will go to the gym instead.
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| − | And so, Taznim, having been shamed and cursed by the almighty Cow, was now the prophet of the Cow's law unto her people, the tribe of the Neemites. The Neemites will follow this law and become the chosen people of the Cow.
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| − | [[category: Religion]]
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| − | [[Category: Bovinism]]
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