Apollo Comet Issue 10 +/- 3
Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2003 8:18 pm
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - The UN International Committee on Pointlessness (UNICOP) has rescinded Varja's right to call Utah the "Land of all Things Pointless.""The decision we made was a difficult one," said committee chair Nwabunge Mbufada. "On the one hand, it seems callous to take away the one of the few enduring legacies of a now dead nation for such a trivial reason. On the other hand, we have to be precise." When asked to explain, Mbufada clarified. "Indeed, there is a disproportionate amount of pointless things in Utah, from desert to rocks to Mormons to Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). But ALL things pointless? We think not."Among the many non-Utahan pointless things cited by the UNICOP report were "rap music, the Reform Party, the Former Soviet Republic of Turkmenistan, abstract art, 13th century scholastic philosophy, Yahoo Instant Messenger, and the continuation of Menelmacar past approximately April 2003"Zarathustra Erutirn, caretaker of the ruins of Varja, has expressed his willingness to comply with the UNICOP resolution. Utah will from now on be referred to on the Varjan boards as "Utah, Land of Many Things Pointless".HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - Former Puritanian LP Austi Scot and Arkanian President Savinkov recently settled their differences via the hit TV show Judge Judy, in which their feud was broadcast to households all over the world. In "The Case of the Socialist Seizure", LP Scot sued President Savinkov for 30$, approximately the value of the Puritanian board, plus 5$ in emotional damages. Judge Judy grilled LP Scot, suggesting that 5$ in emotional damages grossly overestimated the emotional value any sane person could attach to Puritania. When Savinkov spoke up in agreement, the famously confrontational judge shouted him down. "Don't you interrupt me, you mewling mound of Marxist mucus!" she shouted. Then, turning to Scot "Why are you wasting my time with this flim-flam, you funny-hated fatuous fooligan?" Before either party could respond she delivered her verdict: Austi Scot should pay Savinkov $100 for taking Puritania off his hands, and Savinkov should pay the court a fine of $200 for criminal stupidity in that he actually wanted Puritania. Legal experts the world over are hailing the case as an example of sound jurisprudence.THULEL, HYPERBOREA - Citizens of this Arctic barony in Shireroth rejoiced last night after the season's first snewfall."I love snew!" said ten year old citizen Rikor Dinul. I can do all kinds of fun stuff with it like build snewmen and hold snewball fights and even lie in it and make snew angels with my friends!" Some of the older Hyperboreans agreed: "When you see the roofs of the houses covered with a light dusting of snew, and about an inch and a half of snew covering the ground like a blanket, it really is inexpressibly beautiful" said Salul Sokath.Classes at Boreal University tomorrow will be cancelled due to snew day.ARACIGRAD, SHIREROTH - Three law enforcement officers were killed and one seriously injured in a shootout with the mysterious and charismatic saurian known only as the "Lizard King". The Lizard King has been wanted for his defiance of Kaiserial authority for the past two months, ever since he first started his revolt against Kaiseress Jadie I. But the majestic iguanoid has not ceased his campaign with the ascension of Mors III to the throne, nor has Shirerithian law enforcement ceased to hunt him down. After he escaped a trap set for him in Mirioth two weeks ago he was declared Shireroth's No. 1 most wanted fugitive."The Lizard King should be considered armed and dangerous" declared Minister of Information Eros Qelathos. "He certainly is capable of violently resisting any attempts to bring him to justice, though his claims that he 'can do anything' are doubtless exaggerated."If you have information on the whereabouts of the Lizard King, please contact your local police station immediately.THE APOLLO COMET'S TV GUIDE: THE WEEK'S HIGHLIGHTSBrookshire Broadcasting, Thursday, 3 PM: The Adventures of Kilt-Boy: In this timeless classic, young Nicholas (played by Sam Weathers) saves his Duchy from the Fishes of Balgurd by becoming a superhero with the help of a funny-looking Scottish garment. Ninety-two minutes. Some content not suitable for young children or people with sensitive fashion tastes.RastakhizTV, Friday, 6 PM: Babkha's Funniest Execution Blunders: Will Ardashir be able to get Hydrocephalic Hassan into the guillotine? Twenty-eight minutes.Brookshire Broadcasting, Friday, 9 PM: When Mooses Attack: See how Peter Arkshire's family vacation to the Goldshire National Moose Preserve went horribly wrong. Forty-five minutesBorel o'Kaythera, Saturday, 11 AM: Rateral e'Sipira: Continuation of last week's episode. Will Kazen be able to save his family from the walruses in time? (Hyperborean language, English subtitles) Fifty-one minutes.