A Gift For The Kaiser
Posted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 5:58 pm
Kassam al Nabi checked his broquette gold piping on his jacket one final time and moved his fez slightly off-kilter in the new Kamalshahr fashion.
"Sir, You look magnificent!" Kassam's aide tilted the mirror slightly forward to catch more light on his face.
"Enough! Enough!" Kassam, sent the man away.
Today was a glorious day, for he had been chosen by third Aide to the Second Secretary to the Chief of Staff of His Imperial Majesty The Shahanshah to deliver a gift directly to the court of the new Kaiser of Shireroth. Imagine, only a few short months ago, he had been "Kassam the marginally literate" to his peers within the bureau, but now he would be "Kassam the emissary!"
He had been practising the event for weeks now. Brushing up on Shirerothian..er Shirerithian etiquette, table manners for the presentation dinner, as well as the bowing and hand drawing that would accompany the presentation of the gift itself! A truly unique opportunity for Kassam to show his diplomatic skill!
And now, mere moments away from the presentation! Kassam had not been told who would be receiving the gift, but he had a feeling it well could be The Kaiser himself! The third Babkhan in Shireroth's history to hold the title! And an Osmani no less! In his younger years, Kassam had attempted to gain the admiration of his peers by proving that he could trace his babki lineage back to the very first Osmani, hundreds of years ago during the first colonization. Without fail, these conversations would of course end with
"which would make me a distant relative of the Khan as you might well have guessed!"
Kassam would usually then chew the end of his Hukkah with arched eyebrows, anticipating awe in the eyes of his guests that never seemed to formulate as he expected it to. Never the less! Now was his time! What did it matter what some Babki elwynnish hicks thought of him? Kassam would be in the direct presence of the Khan! A man who still OWNED land in Babkha and spoke with heads of state as peers! He too would now be one of the most powerful men on micras and Kassam would be given the honour of his presence!
Kassam began to pace, he watched as his curled boots followed one after the other against the tiled floor next to the gift covered with the silk white sheet. Then trumpets! It had begun!
Kassam took his place and without hesitation moved into a full, fluid, prostration;
"Ankles to eyebrows, all averted from His gaze"
Kassam was so proud of himself, he was slightly disturbed when he heard a conversation rather than an address. The conversation was in a foreign language Kassam did not speak. It sounded something like the Shirerothian tongue, but it was unintelligible. Kassam could here the conversation continue for three full minutes before it began to fizzle out, and instinctively Kassam knew the conversation was now about him. He knew not what to do. These people certainly did not sound like the Khan, nor any Babkhan, but if it was and he glared, he ran the risk of being killed. Kassam peaked up regardless, and was surprised to see three pale men in nazi uniforms of all things.
The men spoke slowly and dejectedly;
"greetings valued guest and welcome to the er.. court of Kaiser Ardashir Piroz Aurangzeb al-Osmani Padshah Ghazi the everlasting and all-powerful bringer of darkness and wrath."
Kassam was heartbroken, he would not meet the Khan on his coronation.
"Thank you your graces, and please allow me to extend my..."
The men cut him off before he could finish his speech.
"Yes, yes, thank you, thank you, glory and honour and more glory etcetera! Listen friend, would it be possible to hurry this up, the Khan is not crowned yet, but he's certainly warming up to it, if we're gone for more than an hour, he's likely to declare us game"
"game?"
"yes, as in that which is hunted for sport. game."
"ah, and the uniforms?"
"again, a proclamation made by His Excellency in preparation for his coronation. He recently received "The Big Book of Evil Tropes" from Straylight and has been checking them off as he completes them. So if you could, I would like to finish before he gets to number 154, don't ask."
Still dejected but wanting to restore his moment of pride, Kassam positioned himself according to his choreography.
"Excellencies, allow me to present to His Imperial Highness, for his delight upon ascending the Throne and becoming His Majesty The Kaiser of Shireroth... The Minotaur........"
Kassam pulled back the silk sheet and revealed a custom Rolls Royce 8 cylinder sedan. Since the economic collapse of Alkhiva, one of Babkha's main exports had become the reproduction of high end auto-mobiles produced and sold at discount prices. Where there may have been polished chrome on the original, there was metal-painted plastic on the Babkhan model.
The "Rolls Royce, Phantom" became the "Rollers Choice, Minotaur," Babkha's premium luxury sedan.
Kassam had purchased direct from the Kamalshahr Bazaar auction plynth. He had been so proudly bestowed the honour of spending his savings on a foreign ruler that he had nearly forgotten to sign the loan he was so giddy.
Kassam was beaming with pride, his hands out-stretched with Fez, his chest puffed, his chin held high while the sun shined off his now noble features. This, was indeed his day.
The three men present stood in slight bewilderment. The third began itching his neck in the collar of the ill-fitting uniforms. Kassam was about to begin a tour of the car when he heard what sounded like techno music coming from the Throne room.
"Oh for the love of the gods no please no!!!!" The lead man began bolting toward the palace doors as the other two followed in close pursuit.
Kassam stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do. His attendants, actors hired to play IBAF soldiers, began twitching. Eventually one let his rifle down and the pantomime of discipline was destroyed. The sound of a car engine could be heard clearly approaching.
Soon the sound was so loud it was apparent that the car was headed this way, honking and making a racket of noise suggesting the driver was in quite a hurry. So much was going on, Kassam was completely lost. Before he knew it, the cars driver was standing before him saluting and holding out a telegram. Kassam, who'd never been saluted by anyone, returned the gesture and opened the letter:
KASSAM AL NABI. ERROR IN PROCESSING. RETURN IMMEDIATELY TO BABKHA. DIRECTION REGARDING CORONATION GIFT REQUIREMENT ERROR. COURT PRESENCE IMMEDIATELY.
Kassam dropped the telegram and stared off.
"What have I done?" He thought...
Kassam's aide, leaned down and picked up the paper to read it.
"I can't believe this! This is insane and impossible!"
"We're done for," Kassam replied. "We cannot return ever or we'll be killed!"
"This is ridiculous! It's just NOT possible! THEY DON'T EXIST!!!!!! HE's MAD!!!" The aide walked off toward the group of cigarette smoking actors:
"A Minotaur! He wanted Agha Kassam to give the Khan a Minotaur!!! Not the car! a REAL Minotaur!"
Kassam sat on the tile, his back against the invested product of his life-savings. He began to slowly sob...
