Shireroth

said William of Araxion. Being dead hadn't stopped him from serving the house of Allot, although it did rather make him difficult to speak to, what with his jaw falling off every few minutes and such. And Lady Allot had seen fit to send him here, to this godforsaken pit of Brookshire, which was just fine for William, who was godforsaken himself. And it did have Elwynn in the name, thought William. What possibilities could Lady Allot have seen for this place? As he approached the small town of Syrelwynn, he heard the typical screams that accompanied his arrival, followed by the cries of "Die, beast! Go back the abyss!" of the town guard. As the six foot tall man with the sword and the flaming torch approached him, he reached into his burlap sack and pulled out the letter from Allot, and held it out.

"To the depths with you, fiend!" yelled the man, raising his sword above his head. William waved the paper under his rather statuesque nose.
"What's this?" asked the man, deflating momentarily and taking the note. "Aha!" he said. "Trying to trick me, eh? A fiendish ruse to confuse me while you eat my brains? Not on my watch, beast!" said the man, swinging his weapon up again. William pointed to the bottom of the paper, and the signature.

"Hey, that looks familiar," said the guard, dropping his sword and peering and the paper. "Too... who-m...it...m-a-y... con...kern? Concern, sorry..." Fifteen minutes passed. Frequently the guard had to stop and ask William for definitions of certain words, like "disrepair", "services", and "figgin". Eventually, he reached the bottom.

"Who the hell's Isabelle Allot?" he asked. William croaked the answer.
"What, Andrew Allot?" asked the guard.
William answered in the affirmative.
"What, Andrew Allot?"
William affirmed that yes, it was the daughter of Andrew Allot.
"What, Andrew Allot?"
William sighed, and pushed the guard gently, who did a back flip and nutted himself on a conveniently placed rock, where he went to sleep. After he'd reattached his hand, William began to trudge slowly towards the town.

"So Allot thought you could just walk in here and we'd sign over the county? She's madder than her father was, and I heard tell he was possessed! So no thank you, mister, you can just push off with your letter, we're perfectly fine without you meddling Elwynnese."
The Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Mayor had been dug out of bed (it was Sunday, and the town was sleeping in) long enough to glance over Lady Allot's letter. Having just received a Twitter message minutes before from Lord Tosha, warning him to deny all Elwynnese any political power, he felt pretty confident in the above speech.

William, on the other hand, felt differently. He reached into his handy burlap sack and pulled out his iPhone 3G S. He opened Google Maps and proceeded to do that weird two finger zoom thing until he zoomed in on Syrelwynn, specifically its outer gates. Rather, what remained of its outer gates. Several fiendish looking Elfinshi armed with heavy looking weapons stood outside the smoldering remains of the wooden palisade. Inside, however, the Elfinshi could be seen dancing with the townsfolk, and a crude banner had been erected in the square that read "Welcum ELwun!!!". A small band was playing, and there was a clown.

The Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Mayor, who was a tad more intelligent than his superior, was impressed. "Carrot and stick. Usually the Khan just used stick, or hit you over the head with the carrot,1" he thought.

As William flashed the device at the men in the room, the Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Mayor stepped forward and whispered in the Deputy Assistant's ear. William sat back and waited. Unfortunately the Deputy Assistant was a man who tended to yell when bewildered.

"What? What do you mean?! Well then how-"
Some hurried whispers from the Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Mayor.
"What elephant?"
Whisper.
"Which rabbit now?"
Whisper.
"Oh, Allot. But she's-"
Whisper.
"Er...ahaha...yes, yes of course. Salt of the earth, Elfinshi, always said so, but that doesn't explain-"

This continued for a while. William watched, only stopping to pick up his eyeball which had fallen out, as men rushed to and fro from the Town Hall, frenzied whispers and worried glances from the Elfinshi outside to the weirdly grinning zombie inside. It was only a matter of time.