Kikat-saran-dalag

[Zirandorthel]

A new collection. THFF is my first honest attempt at rhyming pote'ry, and I feel that asides from it being slightly clichéd, it turned out alright. Chukhakka Uma made me laugh at the time, which was the dead of night when I was more than slightly depressed. BI is about Jesus, to clear up any questions. OF is more than a little clichéd, but I liked the way it turned out nevertheless.Quote:The High-Flying FeelinDyou ever stare off into the nightAnd wonder if it’d be so badTo leave the lightMaybe it’d make you gladTo journey in the abyss, in the voidTo wander freely without needTo evermore have your time employedBy those consumed with lust and greedI wonder sometimes if I really couldAnd other time if I really shouldDeliberate on running into the nearest woodTo escape the taste in my mouth, the taste of bloodA man stands alone in this worldUnless he takes a run at his own lifeHis fate is to be endlessly swirledAnd know nothing in his soul but strifeChukhakka UmaThe greatThe highThe magnificent Chukhakka UmaThat’s who I awaitHands behind meTogether boundMy feet the sameTwo beside meOne each sideStole a goat, ate itA wild goatFrom their holy placeNow I face their holy justiceThe wizened creature appearsInscrutableWiseCunning Chukhakka UmaYou steal our beast, eat itFrom our own sacred placeNow you face our own sacred justiceSay I, the greatThe fellThe dread Chukhakka UmaThat’s who kills you nowAnd know that your fateIs the fate of othersAnd they were not so luckyThey went to their deaths hungryBadum chishBeatific IgnoranceTwas on a cold winter night he chose to be bornAs much as any of us can choose when we were bornThey chose his birth for himTo herald the darkness that he’d pierce with lightI was two weeks overdue myselfHe showed people what they’d doTo be good like himAnd to go to the good placeWith all the people, good and badThen they said you had to listen to themHe’s not good enough anymoreHe’s not movin with the timesWe’re not either, but you don’t know that.Twas the self-same Romen who put him on the treeAnd spilt his blood ‘pon the groundNow they charge you for the tasteIf they didn’t have my friends and family enslavedI’d go and be a Prod.The Old FieldsCrowded in an empty roomFull inside when the heart’s torn outThe horror of past experienceOutweighs the terror felt in the presentBut the abominable futures dwarfs itWhat’ll you be, what’ll you doYou’ve got to choose, you can’t just be yourselfCos no-one likes the eternal childUntil it’s goneDone and dustedNo nostalgia for the presentWe’ll look back in the futureWondrin’ how we got this farAnd then we’ll forge onNo matter how dark the horizon gets. Sun Bless, Earth KeepZirandorthel I of TreesiaThe Golden DarknessNiirus Tinenetuwar, Tivitha e'TarasGrand Duke of Lac GlaceiEdited by: Zirandorthel at: 3/2/04 2:29 pm

[Scott Alexander]

My critique:You know, I like what you're saying, but I think you could really stand to improve on the sound part. Try to learn meter and apply it to the first poem, the one you want to rhyme. If you're not reading Fax's class yet, I think his stuff might really be able to help you, as much as Ragum might disagree.My favorite: the Chukhakka Uma one. The short lines increase the fear factor. Sounds very Siberian...or Lovecraftian...or something.

[Philip Locke]

As a collection, Kikat-saran-dalag is only mediocre for you. However, I think that "Beatific Ignorance", in it's simplicity and (slightly hidden) depth, is one of your best pieces.And I especially liked this bit from "The Old Fields":"Cos no-one likes the eternal childUntil itÂ’s goneDone and dusted"Your use of slang and "street spelling" is both interesting and enjoyable. Now it's time to kick out the jams, motherfucker!

[Zirandorthel]

Thanks for the critique, guys, as a mature and aspiring artist, I can take it *turns to hidden camera, smiles, glint from teeth* Because that's what being an artist, and a member of the guild, is all about!I admit it's not my best, and that's probably because I was trying rhyme for the first time without really knowing anything about doing it properly. I pledge to have a look at the bits on meter in Kidun's classes, at least to give myself a grounding. Sun Bless, Earth KeepZirandorthel I of TreesiaThe Golden DarknessNiirus Tinenetuwar, Tivitha e'TarasGrand Duke of Lac Glacei