A great thaw. (The Black and White Threat)

[Leo Fenrir]

As I was walking through my barony yesterday I was interested to notice an increased number of Cows. At first I dismissed the scene but I'm talking about Hundreds of cows. By the time I realized what was going on, I was being swarmed by cows to the point I feared for my life. Luckily a passing knight of Wintergleam saw my predicament and scared them off by shouting threats of telling Ari that it was them that had spammed his forum and demanded one too many changes about flags.

This appeared to scare the cows enough that I was able to escape to my castle with little to no more trouble. I was glad to notice that the sheep that Allot had wrapped around my house as a birthday gift were still intact and had done their job to keep my abode warm. I put down the sheep that I used as my coat and went to asses the situation from my balcony.

A true sea of cows had carpeted all of Wintergleam, Illumination, and Agnesia! Also the mass amount of Methane Gas being emitted by these said cows were causing localized global warming, threatening the precarious toe numbing cold we Nordlandians so treasure. I suspect fowl play in this matter and will look in to this threat seriously. In the mean time I herby call upon the people of Nordland to stand against these Black and White invaders. I call for for "A Great Cow Tipping Crusade".

[Jacobus Loki]

Those loyal the the Great Butter Cow may want to protect their co-cows.

I also call on Brahma and Vishnu to protect the cows!

[Allot]

The Duke of Elwynn was riding towards the Castle of Wintergleam, home of Leo, Baron of Nordland, when suddenly he heard a loud thump behind him. He reined in his horse and turned around. One of his guards (Steve), had apparently fallen off his horse. He was unconscious. So they tied him to his horse and continued on.

A few miles later, two more guards passed out. It was then that the Duke began to smell the horrific odour of ten thousand metric tons of methane gas.

"Ye gods!" he exclaimed. "What is that horrible smell?"
"Perhaps..." gasped his last remaining guard. "It's all the cows..." He passed out.
"Oh my god..." said The Duke, as he was encircled by cows, mooing like...something else that goes moo.

He tore a piece of cloth and tied it over his mouth and nose, and climbed up on a cow. Then he began running, jumping from cow to cow towards the castle. He had to hold his breath for quite a long time.

When he reached the castle, wrapped in the finest Elwynnese sheep, he dove through the entrance and tore the makeshift mask off his face. The astonished guard reared back.

"So...many...cows... smell... poo..." and the Duke passed out.

He awoke later in a bath of tomato juice. Where Leo got the tomatoes is anyone's guess.

[Leo Fenrir]

I closed the door leading to my underground tomato cellar and wiped the dirt off from my feet. It had taken my entire store to rid Allot and his soldiers of the foul smell of cow. One of my serving sheep came to inform me that the Duke had regained consciousness and I made my way to his room immediately.

"Ah my good friend Allot! A thousand apologies for the reception you received. Let me assure you that this cow problem is being addressed by my "Cow Tipping" initiative. We've been able to scare off most of them from the highly populated areas but they still lurk in the country side awaiting the passage of unsuspecting fools. Not that you are a fool Andrew. You look slightly chilled, would you like another sheep? No?

"Ah yes my clothes. Well apparently this is all the rage in Babaka right now. I'm sure you noticed the Methane Gas? Well apparently it is causing a small area of Global warming over Nordland. The temperature went from the usual -40 to a scorching 0! Your shock is completely understandable I can't believe how hot it is either. And to top it all off this flowery shirt and matching shorts cost me a fortune! Those stingy Babkans wouldn't give me a discount.

"Cost! Don't get me started on cost! Plus the entire Barony is in economic turmoil. Demand for these 'T-Shirts' has sky rocketed and no one even knows what they are! And there are hundreds of erbs worth of damage on priceless ice sculptures of me that have started to melt. What do you mean I'm vain? I'm so offended!

"Ah here is the butler now. Please do accept a drink. This one is a personal concoction of mine, I call it the 'Bo0o/\/\ist Special'! You look slightly apprehensive. Go ahead take a sip. Its a mix of Fanata, Sprite, all those good things, and of course the special ingredient, Gunpowder! Oh! No, don't worry about the mess one the sheep will take care of it.

"But back to the topic of these cows. I've done some research and I've discovered a sect that worships this being known as 'The Great Butter Cow'. I believe there is some connection between this deity and this current event. I'll look further into it.

"But my Grace, enough about my frivolous issues what brings you to my humble abode? Well you remain silent but whatever it is, by the grace of the Li-. Too presumptuous? Well how about, By the grace of the Go-. Yours? Hmm. In any case I welcome you to Wintergleam."

[Nathan of Natopia]

A courier arrived at the Baron's castle, bruised and cut from the horde of cows. "Your Lordship, a message from the Baron of Iserdia and Bosarch of Glenfiddich."

Good Baron,

As preeminent scholar and theologian of Bovicism in Shireroth, I have reason to believe that the phenomenon of cows in your barony may be a sign of the coming of the Margarine Cow, the "antichrist" of our faith and bringer of doom and death to the world. Please attend a sermon at the Temple of the Butter Cow in Glenfiddich in which i explain the Revelations and how this sign brings about the coming of the end of the world as we know it.

Yours in Cow,
Nathan,
Baron of Iserdia, etc

Directions to the Temple:
http://shireroth.kuroshiro.net/forum/vi ... 25#p127025

[Aurangzeb Khan]

It must be getting difficult to breathe up this way what with all the methane. Tell you what, if I get to keep the beef me and the lads from Alalehzamin will come up and kill every living thing in Nordland... or was it just the cows you wanted gone?

[Jacobus Loki]

.......steak fry........

[Leo Fenrir]

A generous offer my good Count, but I do not wish for any beef (atrocious pun alert) with the believers of the Butter Cow and hope to deal with the matter in the most peaceful and yet amusing fashion.

Now if you could do something about the air quality (some giant vacuum contraption?) I would appreciate your help and recompense your services accordingly.

[Jacobus Loki]

Shovel up the stuff or plow it under. Stuff > Grass > Cow >Stuff,
etc.

[Rai Avon-El]

I remember something about not killing animals being the law here in Elwynn...


But then again, might be wrong.

[Jacobus Loki]

Only fry the ones that commit suicide.

[Scott of Hyperborea]

Now if you could do something about the air quality (some giant vacuum contraption?) I would appreciate your help and recompense your services accordingly.

You should talk to Andreas the Wise, Dutch of Kildare. I think his brother is some kind of wind mage.

[Andreas the Wise]

"Not quite, good Totally-Not-LordScott of Hyperborea. Though my brother may be High Druid of Air, the title is more of relation to those great beasts of the air, such as dragons, rather than any special skill with the winds. But I myself am a master of the elements."
He bowed low. "Andreas the Wise, Lord of Magic at your service. I understand you have a 'fart problem' ... at least, that's the technical term."
"Yes, and I would be most obliged if you would remove it," Leo said.
"Nothing easier," Andreas said, and smiled. "Point me to the highest peak of Nordland, please?"
Leo did so, and without a word Andreas leapt into the air, zooming towards the peak, apparently as effortlessly as a bird. "What manner of mage is he?" one of the onlookers asked.

They strained there eyes, and made out of the figure of Andreas standing atop the peak. He appeared to be carrying something ... a staff, perhaps? Then something lit up. Perhaps a crystal atop the staff, if staff it was ... there seemed to be a white glow, and yet a tiny green flame. A cloud began to grow over the figure, a swirling purple mass of thunder, sparking everywhere. And a great shadow stood out behind the figure, stretching across the whole valley and to the next mountain top. Then there was a mighty burst of thunder from the storm to the staff (if staff it was), and suddenly a rushing wind could be heard. Distant words sounded ... something like "Triple Animate Greater Air", perhaps. And then the wind was upon them, blowing the farts ahead of it, and for a moment it smelt like a midden at high noon ... and then it was gone, and the air was blissfully clean and clear, and there was not a cloud in the sky, save for a little green one off over the ocean, which suddenly and unexpectedly burst into flames. The flames appeared to spell words ... "ANOVA for all your magical needs" ... and then it had burnt itself up, and all was gone. The figure on the hill had disappeared.

[Aurangzeb Khan]

Said the Khan to a passing yokel, "He's a bit of a bloody show-off, that Andreas chap, isn't he?"
"Aye" replied the slack-jawed yokel who had, just moments previously, been brutally cudgelled by the Khan's security detail and dragged up alongside him so that the Khan could not be said to be talking to himself - which would have been a sign of evident insanity.
"What with all that flying around hither and thither. 'Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No - it's Andreas the Amazing Flying Wiseass.'"
"Pardon me sire, but I think I'm bleeding" said the peasant clutching his had against a bloody gash in his forehead.
"Hmm? What? Oh never mind that. A little thrashing is always good for the constitution, I've always said so and nobodies disagreed with me so far." The Khan nodding distractedly as he spoke. "Still all that magical energy, if we must call it that, expended in that silly little display will have generated an intense signature... of some kind. Eminently traceable, I have no doubt. Information that could be useful. Anyway, back to the laboratory - Anti-daeva missiles don't invent themselves you know."

The yokel slumped down into unconsciousness. Ignoring this, the Khan walked off back towards his waiting helicopter.

[Jacobus Loki]

The Duke shrugged his shoulders and stopped trying to get the cow in front of him to write a suicide note.

Packing his frying pan and sterno stove in the boot of his TR-3, he sighed,

"Tofu again tonight."

[Leo Fenrir]

The Baron enjoyed his first breath of fresh air since that fateful day when the cows had first arrived in Nordland. He surveyed his land from the balcony and watched as Andreas flew away. He also noticed a helicopter taking off. An odd scene caught his attention, the Duke seemed to be waving a document in front of a cow while preparing a fire. The Baron shook his head and went inside.

The threat had seemingly been averted, but he had learned to never really trust that something was ever Truly over. There was still the question of who had set all this up, and why. He took a seat on his throne of sheep and fell into a contemplating silence. A small click beside his ear announced the presence of Dalon his personal informant. It seemed to be a game to him to see how close he could get before alerting the Baron of his presence.

"My lord, word from Agnesia has arrived. The Count has taken your mantle and is currently preparing a first encounter with these Ohl'tar." The man who was completely draped in black slinked to the other side of the throne running his hand along the sheep. "I also have the information you requested on the Lords Allot and Jacobus."

"Excellent work Dalon. You are dismissed."

The cows had been dealt with and the climate would eventually stabilize. But he had more pressing matters to worry about.